Here are some random thoughts in no particular order which I made notes about while reading:
- Many of your suggestions could be "Philosophy of Life" and could be useful to many people while living. I agree with all of them and continue trying each day to get people to examine the past and then make positive moves forward.
- As I read more and more, I couldn't help but think, grieving from job loss has its similiarity to grieving from a death loss
- I will carry the book in my briefcase and will share the suggestions with clients when appropriate.
- Question: What are the appropriate words to say, when my client greets me at the door?
- On page 18, re: "receiving a substantial amount of money", you're 100% correct. We insist the client make no major monetary decisions for at least 6 months. I always say to them, "The decision you make today will be quite different 6 months from now."
- Your comments at dinner Saturday night re: insurance companies should delay payment is exactly what many of the large companies (Metropolitan, Prudential, Aetna & Equitable, to name a few) are doing, by placing the insurance death proceeds in a Money Market Checking Account. The beneficiary receives a checkbook from which they can write checks to pay last expenses and any emergency bills. When it's an appropriate time to invest the money, they merely write a check(s).
- One of our strongest counseling points is "Do not sell your home and move, where you will have to make new friends and lose your local support group. Let me show you how you can remain at home."
- Page 24, "Anger" -- Boy-o-boy, do we ever feel this many times. Sometimes, I would just like to say, "Please, don't kill the messenger." I'll surely use some of your suggestions and recommendations.
- Page 26, "Guilt" -- Is there a difference, depending on the cause of death, i.e. terminal illness lasting several months vs. a sudden death from cardiac failure or an accident?
- Can grieving be complete by the time a long-term, terminal illness ends? At times I seem to observe the client being ready to move-on by the time I get there, which is normally between 1 and 2 months from the date of death.
Marty, I hope you can tell, I love your book. Who knows, maybe we should make it a must reading for all life insurance agents!
My response: You have no idea what a pleasure it was for me to read your message Tuesday evening and to know not only that you read my book but that you really liked it. It’s the most thoughtful gift you could have given me. Thank you, my friend!
You’re right about the “philosophy of life” aspect of what I say in the book — that’s what I was trying to convey when we had dinner last weekend. I do believe that loss is an integral part of living, and to the extent that we learn to deal with it and grow from it, we can transform ourselves and our lives.
Grieving from job loss is definitely real. Over the years I’ve followed my spouse around the country, I have loved and lost a number of positions I’d held — including all the relationships, status, familiarity, comfort, success, security and satisfaction of having worked so hard to establish one’s reputation that went along with all those jobs. The process, the feelings and reactions, the challenges to let go, to find the energy and motivation to start over and move on, are exactly the same.
I’m pleased that you’ll carry the book with you in your briefcase. Those who want a copy of their own can obtain one from Hospice of the Valley or directly from me.
I don’t know what you say to your clients when you first meet them, but I suspect whatever you say is fine as long as it’s genuine and sincere. Since I know you to be that sort of person, I’m not too worried. Keep in mind that your very presence indicates your interest and concern. I wrote a column that contains some useful information about what to do and say to someone who’s grieving — you might like to read that, too.
I very much like the practice of placing insurance death proceeds in a money market checking account. What a great idea.
Regarding anger — it really is one of the most common grief reactions, and the best advice I can offer other counselors is not to take the bereaved person’s anger personally. Sometimes it’s just plain easier for people to be mad than sad, and nine times out of ten, I know it’s not me they’re angry at. I often tell folks that I’d be angry too if what happened to them had happened to me. If they’re angry at God, I also say that if as a lowly human being I can understand and accept their right to be angry at their loss, it seems to me that God is also capable of accepting and understanding their anger.
Guilt is also practically universal, but the reasons for it are as varied as the relationships between the people involved. I think sudden or accidental death is difficult because it’s more likely that there will be unfinished business there (e.g. no opportunity to say goodbye, or arguments left forever unresolved). This to me is one of the most profound lessons in loss: if you have something to say to those you love, say it now — you may not get another opportunity. And never leave loved ones with arguments unresolved.
Many people do their mourning in anticipation of the loved one’s death, if the illness is long and the person has suffered. Just don’t assume this is the case. Everyone does it differently, and everyone’s relationship with the one they’ve lost is unique to the two of them. Even when someone is glad to be rid of the person who died, they can still be in mourning for the relationship they always wanted with that person and never had — because now they must face the harsh reality that they will never have it. Revamping the book or constructing some sort of helper’s manual for those who do your sort of work is an intriguing idea.
Again, my friend, what a joy it is to see how carefully and thoughtfully you've read my work. I am so very grateful for that. You honor me.
Please give my warmest regards to your lovely wife, as I send my very best to both of you. ♥
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