In Grief: Feeling Like More Is Going Wrong Than Right

Some of the best growth happens as a result of things going wrong.  ~ Nishan Panwar

A reader writes:  I am looking for suggestions. My story in short is I am six months in grief after my husband's unexpected suicide. It feels like more is going wrong than right and I am feeling like I'm on a sinking ship. My adult son, also grieving, lives with me and he is very resistant to seeing a grief councellor or anyone else. I was seeing someone but finances are such that I have to stop seeing her for awhile. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 8 - December 14, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

My heart weighed so heavy in my chest that it felt as if I was drowning. I needed to feel less alone, so I turned to Facebook and asked others to share their experiences of birth trauma. "Are you looking for stories about stillbirth?" one grandmother asked, and that is how The Loss Mother's Stone began. Through 'The Loss Mother's Stone,' mothers share their grief from losing a child to stillbirth « NPR

Death of A Love Relationship: Suggested Resources

When it hurts to stand still next to someone and the only thing you have in common is the past, sometimes the best thing you can do for each other is walk separately towards a future and it’s there you’ll find someone who stays. ~ Kirsten Corley

Whenever there is a loss of something significant in our lives, we suffer grief. When an intimate love relationship ends – whether we were married, living together with a partner or significant other, or committed to another as part of a couple – the separation can be overwhelmingly painful. Usually for a death there is a set ritual with a funeral or memorial service, and some understanding in our culture that mourning is important. But for the death of a love relationship, there is no prescribed ritual of mourning, and the accompanying grief that is part of the divorce / breaking-up process is seldom acknowledged or accepted. The ending of a love relationship is yet another kind of death, and it is just as worthy of our understanding and support. Gathered here are a number of resources that can help.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 1 - December 7, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

When someone you love loses a person they love, it can be hard to know what to say. You want to show your friend you love and support them, but you also know there really isn't much you can say to heal their pain. In this situation, the best thing to do is "name the elephant in the room," says Mekel Harris, a psychologist and grief consultant. The Do's and Don'ts of Expressing Condolences « NPR

Too Attached to A Pet? When Bonding May Be Unhealthy

There is such a thing as having too much of a good thing.  ~ Michelle Gomez

A reader writes: In my opinion there are just too many people around the world who love their pets more than they love people. Do you have any more detailed information\articles outlining signs of unhealthy relationships with pets? Or maybe you can point me in the right direction.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 24 - November 30, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

When I count the blessings in my life, I find that what I value most are the treasures that are free: my family members and loved ones, my friends, neighbors and colleagues ~ and most certainly my clients, readers and followers ~ fellow travelers in life's journeys, as together we find our way through the challenges of caregiving, loss and grief. Counting Blessings and Giving Thanks « Grief Healing

Counting Blessings and Giving Thanks

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~ John F. Kennedy

When I count the blessings in my life, I find that what I value most are the treasures that are free: my family members and loved ones, my friends, neighbors and colleagues ~ and most certainly my clients, readers and followers ~ fellow travelers in life's journeys, as together we find our way through the challenges of caregiving, loss and grief.

Making Time and Space for Grief

It is said that Time soothes mourning ~ No, Time makes nothing happen; it merely makes the emotivity of mourning pass. ~ Roland Barthes

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 10 - November 23, 2024

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Grieving adults must take care of themselves first so they can take care of their kids. Model healthy grief for children by letting them know that sadness and anger are OK. Remember that everyone grieves differently and help children figure out what works for them. Find a place for joy as well as sorrow in daily life. Helping Your Kids When You're Grieving Yourself « Psychology Today

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2024

[Last updated December 20, 2024]

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.   ~ Albus Dumbledore

Holidays can be difficult to bear in the best of times, but even harder when you are in mourning. This is why, especially at this time of year, many community agencies offer programs specifically designed to help. I encourage you to look to your local hospice, healthcare organization or funeral home to learn what offerings and support services may be open to you over the holiday season.

Veterans Day

We must never forget why we have and why we need our military. Our armed forces exist solely to ensure our nation is safe, so that each and every one of us can sleep soundly at night, knowing we have ‘guardians at the gate.’  ~ Allen West

From the VA's Department of Veteran Affairs:

Each year the Veterans Day National Committee publishes a commemorative Veterans Day poster. The Committee selects a poster from artwork submitted by artists nationwide. Over the years these posters have illustrated the rich history of our country’s service men and women. The poster reflects our pride and patriotism in saluting Veterans while providing the thematic artistry for the year.

In Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

It may be hard to play the role of the mourning [daughter] when part of you is saying, ‘Free at last.' ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: Two weeks ago, my mother died of metastatic cancer. We had a strained relationship our entire life together. Growing up she could be very cruel to me, and that is what ensued as I tried to care for her. Before her illness, we hadn’t spoken in almost 3 years, but I wanted to be there for her and support her. I forgave her before she died and asked that she forgive me, and I feel a certain amount of closure which we were able to create.

But just when things were going beautifully, it was as if some demonic entity took over her being.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 1- November 9, 2024, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

My short answer is absolutely not! Why? Because we know that antidepressants alone (even when indicated) are not an appropriate means to provide comprehensive support to someone in grief.  Getting through complicated grief with antidepressants? « AfterTalk

Mystical, Sensory or Extraordinary Encounters in Grief

Whether or not hauntings are physical realities is irrelevant to the grief process. Anything that comforts or guides you in your grief work is naturally valuable. To spend time questioning the experience is to miss the point ~ and perhaps the gift. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Of all the various ways that grief can express itself, perhaps one of the most unsettling is to experience the presence of a lost loved one ~ days, weeks or months after the death has occurred. When one so dear to you is gone, it can be very hard to accept that the person is really dead.

You may find yourself thinking and dreaming about your loved one much of the time, and it may seem that everything around you is a reminder of the person you have lost. Once in a while you may temporarily forget that your loved one is gone, and you’ll look and listen for him or her ~ and maybe even think that you’ve seen, heard, smelled or touched the person. Part of you believes your loved one is there, yet the other part of you knows that’s not the case.

Unresolved Guilt Following Accidental Pet Loss

Apologies aren't meant to change the past; they are meant to change the future.  ~ Kevin Hancock

A reader writes: I have been doing some research on a grief-related topic over the past few days, and stumbled across some of your blog posts, and find them rather encouraging and welcoming.

Around ten years ago, I inadvertently killed a cat while driving home from a class on a dark road. I later killed a deer that ran directly in front of my car. I have been unable to overcome the guilt in all that time, as I feel that I need to apologize to the cat's owner in order to properly move on (I've never found them). If I never find the owner, to whom should I directly apologize?

Silent Grief: Pregnancy, Stillbirth and Infant Loss

Our duty is to remember them so their place in our lives is one of beauty, a beauty beyond this world. Our duty is to love them boldly, wildly, with every part of our being, and to carry their spirit into the world. ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

A reader writes: It’s been two weeks since my baby died. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. She had been extremely active ever since I first started feeling her move, but at around 22 or 23 weeks there were days when she wouldn't move at all. At 26 weeks, when I hadn't felt any movement for two days straight, my doctor ordered a full ultrasound, which showed no movement at all, although there was a heartbeat.

When A Grieving Friend Refuses Offers of Support

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood.  ~ Seneca

A reader writes: I am hoping you can advise me what to do. I have a very dear and close friend whose brother died of suicide a month ago. This was his only sibling. He had to go identify the body and had to come home to a hysterical wife and barely functioning parents. As far as I know he has cried very little if at all. He and I haven't been able to discuss anything at all. My husband and I did everything we could to help the family with things. The problem is now though he will not call anymore and he has pulled away emotionally. He is saying things to me that I would say are hurtful. I have been trying to keep in touch with him, but now he says we are not compatible. I really want to help him through this very tough time. Do I step back and give him space or what do I do??? I am hoping you can give me some guidance. Thank you.

When Grief Threatens A Love Relationship

A reader writes: My fiancée lost her 20 year old daughter 5 months ago from complications following a double lung transplant the year before due to cystic fibrosis. She went off without me after her daughter passed to grieve and deal with family as they have been through all of this for years. It was tough with her being gone for the month or so as I wanted to help comfort her. She said she would need me here at home when she got done to be there for her. Since that time she's had many bad days grieving over her daughter. She spends a lot of time with my 6-year-old son, helping get him to school or you name it. She is with him 24x7 at times and she loves him a lot.

Grief Healing Discussion Groups: Time to Say Goodbye

Announcing the closing of our Grief Healing Discussion Groups, effective January 1, 2025

To all those who visit our Grief Healing Discussion Groups sister site: 

Since May of 2003, our Grief Healing Discussion Groups site has been open to everyone, members and visitors alike ~ advertisement-free and at no cost, 24 hours a day, seven days a week ~ offering reliable information, comfort and support to the bereaved and those who care for them. For 21 years we've been there with one another, day after day, month after month, year after year ~ finding our way together through the loss of someone dearly loved, whether that is a person or a cherished animal companion. Visitors have been welcome to browse, and nearly 12,000 registered members have been free to use all the features of the site.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 29 - October 5, 2024

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month  

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

In these turbulent times, families have suffered devastating losses of loved ones, from the anguish of COVID-related deaths to gun violence, drug overdose, suicide, environmental disasters, and war. More attention is urgently needed in marriage and family therapy training and practice to help the bereaved heal and forge pathways to live and love fully beyond loss. Loss, Grief, and Resilience « Psychology Today

Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 22 - September 28, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Grief therapists will tell you that there are no words to take the pain away from someone who is suffering, but there are things that well-meaning people say that can make grief worse. I’ve adapted some of these from the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, and I’ve also lived it. Navigating the universal yet personal pain of grief « SBJ

Advocacy can lead to feelings of empowerment and connection to others. Finding purpose and helping others naturally helps oneself. Advocacy can be a double-edged sword: People have different reactions to “going public” with a family story. Does Turning Pain Into Purpose Aid in Healing From Grief? « Psychology Today

Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. The Burden of Guilt in Grief  « Grief Healing

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September8 - September 21, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

In my grief, I’ve learned to avoid resenting others’ inability to understand my loss and focus on sharing the overwhelming goodness of my brother’s character with those not lucky enough to have known him. I love to talk about him and am thankful for friends who give me the opportunity to do so. As I readjusted to campus life in the weeks following Matthew’s death, I realized I couldn’t compartmentalize my grief. There’s never any good time to process loss, and the task is never completed. Being thrust back into mundanity, however difficult, taught me I had to find ways to incorporate the memory of Matthew into each day — with tears or with smiles, with a story about him or a call to my family. I just have to process it everyday. Navigating Grief on the College Campus « The Loyola Phoenix

Should We Tell Our Dad That He's Dying?

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.  ~ Aldous Huxley

A reader writes: We know my dad is dying of cancer but apparently he still isn't aware of the truth. I don't find this to be right. I believe he should be told so if he has things he would like to say or do he can say or do them. I don't find that my stepmother is being fair with him. She has been a tough one to deal with during all this. She doesn't even tell us girls what is going on with our father. I was angry with her for this, but I have accepted that this is just her way for whatever her reasons. My stepbrother has called to tell me that hospice is dropping more and more hints, the signs of his end are more obvious, and it is really only a matter of time now. My sister and I have decided to visit him for the last time and say our goodbyes. Is there something you can share with me on coping with this being the last time I will probably see him alive? Should I say something about him not going to pull through this one? I am scared to face this now. Any words from you will be appreciated.

Explaining Dad's Suicide to A Child

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.  ~ Albert Einstein

A reader writes: My husband committed suicide six weeks ago. He left behind our nine-year-old son and myself. I know exactly why he killed himself. He had suffered years of physical pain, had emotional problems, depression, manic depression and other problems, some of which were attributed to the fact he had no male role model in his youth. His biological father left when he was five. His stepfather showed him no love or support whatsoever and his mother suffered from depression. He had not worked in many years and felt useless. He felt that his manhood was gone and thought the only way out was to overdose. He said in his suicide note that his race was done. He had become very difficult to live with.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 25 - September 7, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

Children and teens have their unique way of grieving. Loss tends to affect children in different ways than from adults. Depending on their age, experiences, and maturity levels, all children will have a different grief experience from the next. Oftentimes, a child’s grief is overlooked or overshadowed by adults who may be grieving the same loss as in the case of a sibling or a grandparent that has died. 11 Ways to Help a Grieving Child or Teenager « Cake

Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

There is a light within each of us that need never entirely go out. We can lose the battles, but not the war. We can go on when our minds tell us that there is no point in going on- because something deep inside tells us we can go on. And we do.  ~ A. Powell Davies

A colleague writes: I am wondering if you would send me your best recommendations for dealing with traumatic loss. If you know any activities or rituals that can help a person heal that would be helpful. A coworker is dealing with a traumatic event and has asked for some help. Thanks so much.

Setting Clear Boundaries in Grief

Boundaries in child-parent relationships basically establish that you're an adult with your own rights, choices, preferences and capacities.  ~ JR Thorpe

A reader writes: We lost our dad 5 months ago and my mother-in-law 3 months ago. My mom is constantly complaining that my 2 siblings and I are not doing more for her. I'm feeling very depressed with all the guilt she is putting on me.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 11 - August 24, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:   

Since he began specializing in grief counseling after becoming a licensed Mental Health Counselor in 2012, Todd Schmenk said the most meaningful response he has ever gotten from a client is for them to cry. “They just cried and then looked at me afterward and said, thanks for showing up,” Schmenk said. When it comes to helping others through grief, especially after losing a loved one, Schmenk said one simply needs to stop trying to fix the other person’s pain. The Key to Grief Is to Feel It « The Valley Breeze

Voices of Experience: Sounding The Alarm for Cats Dying in Clothes Dryers

A danger foreseen is half avoided. ~ Thomas Fuller

Prevent Tragic Accidents: Put Reminder Stickers on Your Washer and Dryer!

This past March, Anne's life changed forever. While working from home, struggling with internet issues during a meeting, she moved to another room and briefly paused and restarted her noisy clothes dryer. Tragically, in that brief moment, her beloved 9-year-old, 7-pound cat sought refuge in the warmth of the machine. Anne didn’t anticipate this, and when she restarted the dryer, her kitty was inside. Her cat perished in what has become Anne's worst nightmare. This is her story.

Transition after Loss: Spending Time in The Neutral Zone

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. ~ Andre Gide 

A reader writes: How do you bring back the "drive"? The desire to improve one's self? The desire to learn something new, or to go with your goal? Since my husband died nearly a year ago, I've lost this drive and it seems hard to get it back. I still want to achieve some goals, yet I can’t seem to find the focus, the desire to go for them unlike before. My mind is willing to try again, but my body is tired. One minute I feel like I'm going to accomplish something, the next I feel too tired.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 28 - August 10, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:  

Remember, early grief is a naturally out-of-control time. And it is this loss of control that often makes people feel like they’re going crazy. I know it doesn’t feel good to be out of control, though. That is because change and unpredictability stress our minds, bodies, and emotions. Any time we encounter something substantially different, we have to assess potential new dangers and figure out new responses. It is difficult, being in new situations—especially those we don’t want to be in. But the more we acknowledge that control is an illusion, the more comfortable we can become with the constant change and unpredictability of life.  You’re Not Crazy – You’re Grieving Pt. 3 « AfterTalk

Widow Asks: Should I Adopt A Second Dog?

I have found that when you are deeply troubled, there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source. ~ Doris Day

A reader writes: I love dogs, and since my husband died, only my beautiful little Cockapoo saves me from living alone. I couldn't survive without her. I know how many dogs in shelters need homes, and one great no‑kill shelter near me may have to shut down for lack of funds. So I've been thinking a lot about adopting a second dog. But I don't know if it's a good time to bring a new pet into my life. I still hurt so much from losing my husband that the thought of opening up my heart again, even to a dog, is scary. And I've been a human companion to many dogs, so I know what to expect: Bringing a new one home would probably mean some bad behavior, an "accident" or two, maybe some chewing and (I hope not) fighting. If these were normal times, no problem. But with the limited control of emotions I have now, I worry that both the dog and I might be too stressed.

Child Loss: Supporting A Sister In Grief

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heal them.  ~ Leo Tolstoy

A reader writes: My 6 year old niece died suddenly a month ago. She was a completely healthy, strong little girl, until all of a sudden she wasn't. She had been sick for a few days with a low grade fever and a headache. Her parents thought it was just the bug going around. One morning she woke up still complaining of her headache, but asking her parents if she could still go to her cheer competition the upcoming weekend. She was so excited about it. She fell back to sleep. When her father went to wake her an hour or so later, she started seizing. He rushed her to the hospital, where she continued seizing until at one point she stopped breathing and was intubated. She never woke up from that point. Once many tests had been run we were told that she was brain dead and she died from bacterial meningitis.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 14 - July 27, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:  

Yes, it is normal to feel crazy after a shattering loss. What I invite you to consider is that it is actually the loss that’s not normal. This loss came along uninvited and turned your life upside-down. Human beings are born to live and love. That’s why we are here. When a life ends, we’re simply not prepared. We can’t be fully prepared, even when a death is anticipated. Why? Because it’s human nature to want and expect life and love to continue. We’re just not made to easily welcome death into our daily lives. You’re Not Crazy – You’re Grieving Pt. 1 « AfterTalk

Death of An Adult Child: Resources for Bereaved Parents

I don't think of him every day; I think of him every hour of every day. ~ Gregory Peck, in an interview many years after the death of his son

In the ordinary course of events, we parents don't expect to out-live our own grown children. But when an adult child does precede us in death, it shatters our assumptive world and brings us to our knees. It goes against what we perceive to be the natural order of things, and it feels very, very unfair.

At such a sorrowful time, where can bereaved parents turn for understanding, comfort and support?

In Grief: Mother Struggles to "Accept" Son's Tragic Death

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

A reader writes: My son died instantly six months ago, when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 21 a week before the accident. Ironically, my son didn't go out that often, and when he did, he drove most of the time. I still can't believe this has happened and that he is gone forever. We are a close-knit family (we have two other children) and our son’s absence is felt so deeply by all of us. Nothing seems right without him. We went away for a few days last week, and it was hard to be completely happy because he is always on my mind. When I think of him being gone forever my heart starts pounding and I feel like I could be sick. I tell myself to take this one step at a time, but what will it take for me to accept what has happened?

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 30 - July 13, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Over the years, a significant concern of mine has been how to not only share the incredible essence of my mother with those dear to me, but also not hiding the fact she died by suicide. This concern became most pressing over 11 years ago when I was expecting my son. I often pondered how I would introduce him to a grandmother he never had the chance to meet—a woman who loved me intensely yet had a complex story. How could I convey that she loved me, but that I would not leave him? I Finally Told My Son About Mom's Suicide. I Didn't Expect His Reaction « Newsweek

Grief At Work: When Job Performance is Affected

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.  ~ Fred Rogers

A reader writes: This past year was a very difficult one for me and my family.   My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and passed 7 months later. The day he died my mother-in-law was hospitalized and a few days later we found out she had stage 4 cancer and had only a few months left. She died 2 months later. I took one month compassionate care leave to look after my father and two bereavement leaves, and most of the year I was in a fog. It was very difficult to watch my father suffer over several months before he passed away at home.

In Grief: Coping with The Anniversary of A Loved One's Death

I have found in the years that have passed that I am most vulnerable at times of remembrance . . . If I get caught up in it, I quickly get pulled under and wind up gasping for breath. ~ Bill Jenkins

A reader writes: I am just 10 days away from the one year mark of my wife’s death, and the last few days have been horrible. I have that all-too-familiar feeling of dread in the pit in my stomach and I have a hard time concentrating on anything. I don’t know how to explain my mood to my seven-year-old son. All I would love to do is to go to sleep for those 10 days and wake up afterwards. I know that in this journey I am going to take some steps backwards and believe me the backwards steps are not as severe as in the beginning, but I just can’t stand feeling this way.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 16 - June 29, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Cody Delistray wanted to get good at grief. After his mother died of melanoma when he was in his early twenties, he found, as he writes in his new book The Grief Cure: Looking for the End of Loss,“There was no control to exert. No blueprint to follow.” So, feeling frustrated and exhausted, he did just what a mourner who’s also a journalist might do — he investigated. Grief is brutal, but there is value in it, experts say. So why do we try to "cure" it? « Salon

In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknowledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death.  ~ Kenneth J. Doka

A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.

Pet Loss: Grateful for Comfort and Kinship in Grief

There are] two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give.  ~ Edwin Arlington Robinson

A reader writes: Dear Marty, I want to express my gratitude to you personally for the comfort and strength you have given me and others like myself who have lost special companion animals. My cat of eleven and a half years died of kidney disease. We had him euthanized when the disease had progressed to the point where, although he still had his dignity and awareness, he was so painfully thin and weak that we knew he was very tired; he had "fought the good fight," and it was time to let him go. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 2 - June 15, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

The hardest part of growing up? For me, it has to be watching my parents grow older. There’s this sudden realization that all things are finite and there’s an end to everything. Every time I think about this, the reality hits even harder. Coping With Grief: The Sight Of Parents Growing Old « Her Campus

In Grief: Widowed Mom's Drinking Alienates Family

Compassion for our parents is the true sign of maturity. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: My father passed away last July. My mother and he had a terrible marriage and only stayed together for the "kids," then couldn't afford to live apart. He passed away after a brief illness, but had made my mother's life very difficult. For the last 20 years, they just cohabited together with seperate lives - different bedrooms and even different tv rooms.

I did not have a good relationship with him (nor did my brother) - he was mean, selfish and just not a very nice person to us or anyone else. Nonetheless, I did and still do grieve for him. I also grieved for the father I never had, but I did forgive him before he passed away and was present when he died.

Mother Loss: College Student Feels Like Quitting

Some people succeed because they are destined but most because they are determined.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: In my 20 years of living there was not a single day that I had spent without my mom. She was my world and I was hers. She was more like a best friend to me. She played video games with me, we went to trips together, she cooked food for me. It was like she was for me and I was for her. And then, within a matter of 3 days, I lost her. She was just 42.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 26 - June 1, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

The disorienting nature of grief can create a sense of duality in our reality. Adapting to a new life without our loved one isn't easy, but it is possible. Many grievers report feeling as though they are in a parallel life with their loved one just out of reach. Why Your Old Life Can Feel Just Out of Reach « Psychology Today

Using Music to Move Through Grief

When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics.  ~ Frank Ocean

People have known for centuries that music touches the human soul. We know intuitively that music affects us in profound and healing ways, both emotionally and physically, and present-day research demonstrates this to be true. In health care settings such as hospitals, clinics and hospices, music therapy is found to be remarkably effective in helping to calm patients, reduce stress, ease muscle tension, promote movement and manage pain.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 13 - May 25, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Patrick passed away less than two weeks before his 21st birthday. He even had his party organised. Instead, the family had to say their final goodbyes before Patrick could experience this coming-of-age milestone. A father's grief: 'There's always an empty seat at the table' « The Impartial Reporter