Grief Healing: In Grief: Son Disapproves of The Way Mom Needs to Grieve

Imagine the choices you'd make if you had no fear-of falling, of losing, of being alone, of disapproval. ~ Martha Beck

A reader writes: It will be one year tomorrow that the love of my life, my everything -- will have been in Heaven for one year and I miss him so very, very, very much. Announcement of the anniversary of my husband’s death appears in the newspaper today and I am a wreck. I just can't do this life thing without my beloved...it is so hard and I don't know where to turn. I am tired of pretending, so very, very tired................

My oldest son didn't want to put in a memoriam and my youngest, well he basically asked me to do it for him. It hurts so much. I know they truly miss their father with all of their being but why, why won't they talk to me or, or I don't know what.

I feel as if I have lost my privacy. My older son and his fiancee found my journals and read some of my entries...When he came to me about this, words were spoken and I feel violated.

Then he said that he did it because he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling because the day before they were upstairs when I got home from work and they were there to assure me that I don't have to do this alone (but I went to clean up the dishes because I thought they wanted to be upstairs instead of downstairs for a change and I thought I would give them privacy) how was I to know that they wanted to talk, they never said that to me, I can't read minds but maybe I should be able to, I don't know anymore. He said he didn't like that I was saying that I didn't want to go on without my beloved.......don't we all have those feelings sometimes? I told him I let my doctor know I have those feelings (he asked what I thought my doctor would say...I told him she knows and understands) so that I don't do something, so that I stay here with them. He asked if I never think of the good times with his father, of course I do.....all of the time but that doesn't mean that I am not going to be in agony without him.

He said I was upset (I think that was the word) when he told me he didn't want to put a memoriam in for his dad, I was, but then I realized that he has to grieve his own way. I had asked my younger son if he wanted to come with me to be with his dad at his grave on the 13th and I guess he in turn told my older boy that I wanted them with me. That was a discussion itself. He said he won't go there to celebrate on the 13th, he will go on his dad's birthday. It's not a celebration, I wanted to release balloons or light a candle or something...I don't know what, but that was an issue too and the way that I count the days, the months, the weeks was an issue, it's like I am doing everything wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.

I would not have minded if he asked if he could read my journal entries, or if anyone wants to read my journals. The point for me I think is that he has told me that his computer, rooms, etc are personal so why isn't mine? Why is the way I need to grieve not okay but I should accept his way and I have accepted it.

My response: My dear, I suspect that your son is acting this way simply because he is very worried about you and he doesn’t know how to help you. The raw feelings and reactions of grief may be frightening to others in your family, especially to your sons who’ve already lost one parent and may be terrified of losing the other one. Your one son’s reaction to the content of your journals also tells me that he does not know what normal grief looks like, and he may be misinterpreting your reactions.

The tone of your message tells me that on some level, you don’t feel as if you have a legitimate right to mourn the death of your husband in your own way, and until you let go of that feeling, you’ll continue to stop yourself from getting the help you need and deserve.

I want to gently suggest to you that the best way you can take care of your sons’ grief is to take good care of your own. By tending to your own grief, you will give your sons the reassurance they need, and their “hovering” and “checking up” behavior will diminish. I don’t know what sort of “in person” grief support you’ve obtained in your own community (you’ve mentioned your doctor, but I’m not sure what sort of doctor that is), but I hope you’re availing yourself of all the help that is available to you, including participating in a grief support group, meeting individually with a grief counselor, reading all you can find about what is normal in grief, and attending a workshop or taking an online course on grief. (See especially links to related resources listed below.) If you find an article or a book that might help your sons better understand what you're feeling and why, by all means share it with them.

The worst thing you can do is to deprive yourself of the ongoing support of caring others. Please know that I am thinking of you at this sad and difficult time, and you are not alone as you face this important anniversary day.

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