A reader writes: I am looking for suggestions. My story in short is I am six months in grief after my husband's unexpected suicide. It feels like more is going wrong than right and I am feeling like I'm on a sinking ship. My adult son, also grieving, lives with me and he is very resistant to seeing a grief councellor or anyone else. I was seeing someone but finances are such that I have to stop seeing her for awhile.
The lack of a decent mother - daughter relationship probably adds to the grief I feel. They say you don't miss what you've never had... I don't feel that way. I tried for nearly 40 years to be a good daughter. I guess I might have been more successful if I had a good mother. Anytime I tried to stand up for myself I was accused of being mean, intimidating, and selfish. The relationship became more and more difficult as I found that my son had been a recipient of her toxicity too.
I was registered for six two-hour classes on mindfulness. I was really looking forward to trying to get better at grieving. You can imagine my disappointment when they called to say the classes didn't have enough people registered to put it on. It seems like each time I find a piece of hopefulness something happens to prevent me from experiencing what I was looking forward to. I am operating in the fog again. Some days are so much worse than others.
My response: Having insufficient funds to continue with your grief counselor should not be reason enough to go without useful information and support. With access to the Internet, you have at your fingertips dozens upon dozens of resources, many of them offered at no cost. You can try a Google search using the words "online classes in mindfulness". See also Meditation and Mindfulness in Grief for links to articles, books, websites and other related resources.
You also might try some of Belleruth Naparstek's amazing audio programs with guided imagery ~ another tool available to you at relatively low cost. You might consult your local library, hospice, hospital or funeral home to see what other bereavement support services are available in your community. If you haven't done so already, be sure to take a look at this article, too: Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
I don't know who said you don't miss what you've never had, but that statement just doesn't ring true to me. Of course you will miss the mothering you never had! What is more, knowing what your mother didn't give you has made you more aware of what constitutes good mothering, and that in turn can make you a better mother to your own child.
That “operating in the fog” feeling you describe is normal, my dear. Some have dubbed it "widow brain" or "grief brain." (If you Google those terms, you'll see what I mean. See also some of the related resources listed below.)
I know it's hard to concentrate, much less to remember what you've just read, and reading can be a challenge right now. Just know that it's okay to slow down and do what you can. Don't try to eat the entire elephant all in one sitting ~ because you will choke and it will make you sick! The good thing about reading is that you can "dose" yourself with it. Read when you're in the mood, and when you've had enough for a while, you can put it down and walk away. ♥
Afterword: Thank you so much, Marty Thanks for the information, I've done some reading this morning and hope is with me today.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:
- Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources
- Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You
- Grief After Suicide Loss: Supporting A Friend
- Parent Loss: Coping with Mom’s Toxic Behavior
- Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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