My response: I'm so very sorry to learn of your dad's terminal illness. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your sister, and I'm pleased to know that the two of you will be going to visit your dad soon. I'm sure that visit will mean a lot to all of you.
You've asked me how you might cope with seeing your dad for what may be the very last time, and whether you should say something to him about his condition. I think that you will cope by just going ahead and doing what you plan to do even though you are scared to do it, my friend. Somehow we think real courage is about soldiers being the first ones to charge up the hill, or about firefighters running into a burning building. Yet real courage is simply facing that which we're most afraid of doing, and doing it anyway, despite our fear. Somehow you will find the strength to do what you need to do, and you will be glad you did. Think of how you would feel if you did not go to see your dad, and missed this opportunity to be with him one last time.
As for saying something to him about his condition, I can assure you that your dad probably knows a whole lot more about his illness than anyone else does, even if he does not acknowledge it to those around him. Keep in mind that this is his life, and his dying, and he will do it the way that he needs to do it. Also remember that we human beings are pretty well defended—we hear what we want to hear and keep out the rest. That is how each of us just gets through the day. Your dad will face his dying when he is ready to do so, and for all you know, he has already done that. As a man, a husband and a father, he may be feeling a need to protect those around him by not expressing freely and openly what he already feels and knows. Do not assume what he is thinking and feeling. The only way to know for sure is to ask! When you're with him, you might ask him what he makes of his illness or what he thinks is going to happen to him. Take your cue from him. If he's ready and willing to talk about it and he knows that you are ready and willing to listen, he will let you know what's on his mind.
I'd like to recommend two wonderful books that I think you may find helpful at this challenging time. The first is The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, MD. He is an international leader in hospice and palliative care, and in this book he discusses how four simple phrases can guide us effectively through whatever interpersonal difficulties may stand between us and another person (and most especially when that other person is dying) to help us finish whatever unfinished business may be getting in the way. The four simple phrases are "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you."
The second book is Final Gifts: Understanding The Special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. The "final gifts" of the title are the comfort and enlightenment offered by the dying to those attending them, and in return, the peace and reassurance offered to the dying by those who hear their needs. I've also finished reading another book I'd highly recommend,by David Kessler: The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort and Love to Life's Final Chapter. If you just click on the titles, you'll go directly to Amazon's description of each book. They're all popular enough that I'm sure you could find them at your corner bookstore or local library ~ and if not, you can ask your bookseller or librarian to order them.
The greatest gift you can give to your father right now is just to be there with him ~ and that is precisely what you are planning to do. Let the rest just happen, and you will be fine.
I hope this helps, my friend. Please know that I am thinking of you and your dad, and holding you close in my heart.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
You've asked me how you might cope with seeing your dad for what may be the very last time, and whether you should say something to him about his condition. I think that you will cope by just going ahead and doing what you plan to do even though you are scared to do it, my friend. Somehow we think real courage is about soldiers being the first ones to charge up the hill, or about firefighters running into a burning building. Yet real courage is simply facing that which we're most afraid of doing, and doing it anyway, despite our fear. Somehow you will find the strength to do what you need to do, and you will be glad you did. Think of how you would feel if you did not go to see your dad, and missed this opportunity to be with him one last time.
As for saying something to him about his condition, I can assure you that your dad probably knows a whole lot more about his illness than anyone else does, even if he does not acknowledge it to those around him. Keep in mind that this is his life, and his dying, and he will do it the way that he needs to do it. Also remember that we human beings are pretty well defended—we hear what we want to hear and keep out the rest. That is how each of us just gets through the day. Your dad will face his dying when he is ready to do so, and for all you know, he has already done that. As a man, a husband and a father, he may be feeling a need to protect those around him by not expressing freely and openly what he already feels and knows. Do not assume what he is thinking and feeling. The only way to know for sure is to ask! When you're with him, you might ask him what he makes of his illness or what he thinks is going to happen to him. Take your cue from him. If he's ready and willing to talk about it and he knows that you are ready and willing to listen, he will let you know what's on his mind.
I'd like to recommend two wonderful books that I think you may find helpful at this challenging time. The first is The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, MD. He is an international leader in hospice and palliative care, and in this book he discusses how four simple phrases can guide us effectively through whatever interpersonal difficulties may stand between us and another person (and most especially when that other person is dying) to help us finish whatever unfinished business may be getting in the way. The four simple phrases are "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you."
The second book is Final Gifts: Understanding The Special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. The "final gifts" of the title are the comfort and enlightenment offered by the dying to those attending them, and in return, the peace and reassurance offered to the dying by those who hear their needs. I've also finished reading another book I'd highly recommend,by David Kessler: The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort and Love to Life's Final Chapter. If you just click on the titles, you'll go directly to Amazon's description of each book. They're all popular enough that I'm sure you could find them at your corner bookstore or local library ~ and if not, you can ask your bookseller or librarian to order them.
The greatest gift you can give to your father right now is just to be there with him ~ and that is precisely what you are planning to do. Let the rest just happen, and you will be fine.
I hope this helps, my friend. Please know that I am thinking of you and your dad, and holding you close in my heart.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:
- 7 Care Tips When Someone You Love Is Dying
- April Is Healthcare Decisions Month
- A Time to Live: Living with A Life-Threatening Illness
- Children and Impending Death
- Don't Let A Special Opportunity Get Lost
- Giving Terrible News to Those We Love
- How Do You Say Goodbye When He Doesn't Believe He's Dying?
- How Do You Tell Someone That They Are Dying?
- "I Don't Want to Talk About It"
- Keeping The Secret of a Terminal Prognosis
- Should I Tell? Discussing Terminal Prognosis
- Telling A Loved One They're Dying
- The Caregiver's Survival Handbook: Caring for Your Aging Parents Without Losing Yourself
- The Challenge of A Loved One Who Is Dying
- The Farewell Dilemma: Would You Tell A Loved One They're Dying?
- The Four Things That Matter Most
- Tips for Talking with Someone Who Is Dying
- What Are The Spiritual Needs At The End of Life?
- What It's Like to Learn You're Going to Die
- When Families Keep The Truth From Loved Ones in Hospice
- When You're Dying Before Your Children Are Grown
- Why and When Denial Is Good For Caregivers
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