Parent Loss: Coping with Mom's Toxic Beharior

[Reviewed and updated December 14, 2024]

We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths.  ~ Melody Beattie

A reader writes: I'm having a hard time with my mom. My parents have been divorced for 20 years and frankly, my mom couldn’t stand my dad and often said so. She got a new boyfriend right when my dad died. In fact she introduced me to him while I was throwing up in her bathroom from the grief of my dad’s death two days earlier. She told me the day before the funeral that my dad was in hell. She rolls her eyes if I cry in front of her. I tried to talk to her about how much I needed her and she said I was an adult with my own kids, and I don’t need her. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 11 - December 24, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

May the spirit and beauty of the season shine in your heart and remain with you throughout the New Year. Once Again It's Christmas « Grief Healing

Voices of Experience: Slipping Away

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.  ~ Ann Landers

Silver Butterfly Wings is a story of transformation, of the many paths and decisions Wendy Willow faced while going through the process of grief. The death of her husband left her utterly shattered, unable to imagine a life without him. Then signs from the other side appeared, filling her with hope: flickering lights, hawks flying overhead, their song on the radio, a butterfly’s silvery wings, a hot spot on his side of the bed. At first she was sceptical. How could her dearly departed be sending signs and messages from across the veil?

Coming to Terms with Mom Dating After Dad’s Death

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.  ~ J.K. Rowling

A reader writes: I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my mother dating after my father's death, and how it has changed her. I am 34, her oldest of 5 kids, with 3 boys of my own, and after some recent events, I am truly worried about the future of this family and am at a loss of what to do.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, December 4 - December 10, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"I brought my mom home to help her die. I had no idea what I was in for —or what I'd gain. All I knew was that she wasn’t going to take her final breath in a hospital." Home Hospice Care At The End of My Mom's Life: Lessons Learned « HUFFPOST

Pet Loss: Has My Cat Gone Off to Die?

Learning how to communicate with animals is just like learning any other language. The more you practice, the better you become. ~  Karen A. Anderson

A reader writes: Have you ever heard of a pet going away from home if they know they are going to die? A good friend of mine told me this just a few days before my 15-year-old cat disappeared from his usual favorite place to be, the front porch! Osh was 15 years old and never left the front porch. He was spending more and more time out there, and I always brought him in. That particular time, for some reason, I decided to let him stay! He and I were very attached to each other, my mom and I got him about 11 years ago. Funny thing is my mom passed away suddenly in a car accident 6 years ago and a big part of me feels like she was ready for him.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 27 - December 3, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Parents, caregivers, and other concerned adults can help young people understand and get through challenging times. Even very young children can understand death and its permanence. How Grief Can Affect A Child -- And Helping Them Cope « EveryDay Health

In Grief: Cooking for One and Eating Alone

Today there is an Annual Culinary Olympics, with hundreds of cooks from many countries ardently competing. But we who hate to cook have had our own Olympics for years, seeing who can get out of the kitchen the fastest and stay out the longest. ~ Peg Bracken, The I Hate to Cook Book 

A reader writes: Since my husband was retired on permanent disability, he took over the shopping and cooking many years ago. Now mind you I do know how to cook, but when I cooked it was for two adults and two children.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, November 20 - November 26, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Anyone who has loved an animal companion knows losing a pet hurts. Every relationship we forge with an animal is unique, and they become tightly woven into our existence. To lose such a friend is not just to have sudden hole where they used to be. There are constant reminders of time spent together, threads in the tapestry of daily life left ragged and loose. Profound grief for a pet is normal « Medical Press

In Grief: Thanksgiving Blessings

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. ~ Meister Eckhart

Throughout this season of gifting and giving thanks, please know that I am deeply grateful for those of you who continue looking to this blog for the information, comfort and support you need and deserve. It is my fondest wish that here you'll find some of what you are seeking. Blessings to you all, and from my heart to yours, thank you! ~ Marty T

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 13 - November 19, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The definition of paying it forward in grief can vary significantly. But it all comes down to one basic idea: you use what you’ve learned during your experience with grief to help others. It provides new meaning and purpose to your shattered life. Paying It Forward in Grief « Alive in Memory

Voices of Experience: Are You Still Mine?

One of the most effective ways to help children understand normal grief reactions ~ their own and that of the people around them ~  is to tell them a story, or you can read together one of the many wonderful children's books now available on loss, dying, death and grief.  ~ Marty Tousley

Former children’s book editor Jayne Pillemer has penned a moving story to help kids work through feelings of grief. In the wake of COVID-19 and with school shootings at a record high in the U.S. according to the National Center for Education Statistics, thoughtful books like Pillemer’s are an essential balm to the soul, nurturing hope in grieving hearts.

In “Still Mine,” Pillemer’s lyrical writing and Sheryl Murray’s sweet illustrations offer gentle comfort and reassurance to anyone who has experienced loss that you still carry those you love with you in the smallest things—and in your heart—forever.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 6 - November 12, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

More than a million Americans have lost their lives to COVID-19, leading to what some have called a second epidemic of grief. Lockdowns and other factors meant that many people couldn’t process their losses in normal ways with funerals and other gatherings. Prolonged and unaddressed grief can lead to significant mental health problems. Rep. Joe Morelle (D-New York) introduced the Grief Resilience Investment and Education Fund (GRIEF) Act to help combat some of these issues, especially in marginalized communities.  Better Support for Grieving Americans « Home Care

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2022

[Updated December 31, 2022]

The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart.  ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Once again the holiday season is upon us, and for those of us anticipating or coping with the loss of someone dearly loved, the days ahead can be extremely difficult. Triggers are everywhere, stoking memories and reminding us of all we have lost. That is why many community agencies offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year. Your local hospice, mortuary or healthcare organization will have information about whatever special offerings and services are available to you in your community. In addition, the Internet abounds with all sorts of articles, books and tips that offer creative and practical ways to cope with the holidays. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 23 - November 5, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

When I lost my husband to brain cancer, I learned there is no road map for grief.  A guide to dealing with grief as a widow « The Washington Post 

Anderson Cooper takes us on a deeply personal exploration of loss and grief. He starts recording while packing up the apartment of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Going through her journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, Cooper begins a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on - with loss, with laughter, and with love. All There Is with Anderson Cooper « CNN Audio

In Grief: Helpful Tips on Writing an Obituary

May our obituaries someday say--preferably after we're dead, of course--that we lived in peace, in love, and mostly in grace. ~ Jaime Jo Wright

As noted in an earlier post, an obituary includes both public and private facts that celebrate a person’s life and engagement in the community. 

If you're ever faced with the task of writing and submitting an obituary for publication in a newspaper or online, you may find these suggestions helpful:

In Grief: On Writing An Obituary

Obituaries are just like biographies, only shorter. They remind us that interesting, successful people rarely lead orderly, linear lives. ~ Charles Wheelan

When is the best time to write an obituary?

It is not necessary to wait until a person has died to begin writing an obituary. People can be interviewed before death about what they want included in their obituary – and each of us can begin right now to write our own life story. The obituary may be the only account that will ever be written about us, and this is our chance to tell others exactly what we want them to know and remember about us.  Once written, it can motivate us to continue living an interesting and meaningful life – and inspire us live up to what we’ve written about ourselves. It certainly is a thoughtful gesture that can spare our family and friends from having yet another task to complete (under a newspaper’s deadline) during what will be a sad and difficult time. And it can be a priceless gift to future generations. If you do decide to write your own obituary, make certain that you keep it updated and readily accessible, and let your next of kin know where to find it.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 16 - October 22, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Joanne Cacciatore's Arizona farm is drawing mourning parents from around the globe seeking solace after the loss of a child. Arizona Farm Gives Refuge From Pain, for Man and Beast Alike « U.S.News

Despite going through this turmoil, our society hardly provides the required support to the grieving mothers. Customarily, this issue is considered very trivial in our society and is rarely talked about. Child Loss: A trivialised grief « Minute Mirror

Voices of Experience: Lettering Loss: The Abiding Nature of A Mother's Love

You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.  ~ Madeleine L'Engle

Sisters Jalyn Scott and Allison Scott Westman have been longing to create a resource for those who have experienced similar circumstances as theirs, and to educate others on the topic of grief and loss, as they continue to navigate the loss of their own mother back in 2013, when the two were only teenagers. On a trip to see their grandmother, they were met with an idea to fulfill this longing, and began writing and illustrating Love, Mom immediately.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 9 - October 15, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

While pathologizing the normal can be harmful, so too can its reverse: We don’t always know for ourselves, or recognize for others, when help is needed. And the science shows that being locked in long-term, unrelenting grief can take a heavy toll. There Are No ‘Five Stages’ of Grief « The Atlantic

Pet Loss: Caring For Your Pet When You Cannot

Forewarned, forearmed; to be prepared is half the victory.  ~ Miguel de Cervantes

When my father died of a heart attack several years ago, my family was totally unprepared. I lived several states away at the time, and in all the confusion, shock and sadness that surrounded his sudden and unexpected death, some decisions were made in haste by other family members, with little or no opportunity for any input from me.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 2 - October 8, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief is not exclusive to death; other losses occur more often throughout life. Broadening our understanding of grief and bereavement can help create more inclusive and compassionate communities. Grieving When No One Has Died « Psychology Today

In Grief: Mourning An Elderly Parent

[Reviewed and updated November 12, 2024]

There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressible- a wound that will never quite heal. ~ Susan Wiggs

A reader writes: Yesterday was the 4th month anniversary of my Mom's death. I still feel that after this time I have not fully grieved over her, or that if I do, I will not emerge from the pit of despair. I have been beset by material problems that have distracted me from grief, problems that are connected with her death. I feel that my mind is fracturing, that I am being hemmed in and trapped by everything, and there will be no end to this suffering. It is a constant companion that seems to not ever want to leave.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 18 - September 24, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Now I worry that — by perpetuating false ideas about how one should grieve — the new definition of PGD will potentially result in even less social support for bereaved individuals when they really need it. The Hidden Dangers of Pathologizing Grief « Medscape Nurses

Coping with "Moment of Death Guilt" in Grief

[Reviewed and updated September 23, 2024]

Protective parents tend to not die with their children in the room, even if that child is seventy years old.  ~ Barbara Karnes, RN

A reader writes: My mom passed away 28 days ago. She was very sick and I took care of her for the last 10 years - she was living with me. I never left her alone, in fact our family dynamic changed because she was our priority. She was in the hospital for 12 days and everyday I was there for 12 to 13 hours, but could't stay overnight because I have a knee injury and it was necessary to rest my leg to be ready for the next day. On November 30th the doctors told me they couldn't do much for her, just wait to see what happened during the following 24/48 hours.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 11 - September 17, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

From curling up in a ball to shaking to feeling disconnected grief gets into every fibre of our being. Psychotherapist and grief counsellor Julia Samuel has this self-care advice - including why exercise is so important. What is the best thing to do for grief? « Get The Gloss

Voices of Experience: Beyond Loss in a Pandemic

The time of COVID-19 has been characterized as an ongoing traumatic event that has exacerbated the grief process and made it more complicated.  ~ Linda Donovan  

Having experienced the loss of loved ones both before and during the pandemic, author Linda Donovan has developed compassionate and practical ways to help guide people through these challenging times and beyond. Her book Beyond Loss in a Pandemic: Find Hope and Move Through Grief After Someone Close to You Dies provides a comprehensive road map for healing after loss. Donovan has helped countless people through her volunteer work with hospice, where she provides grief support services. She shares how she was able to overcome her own grief, along with stories about how people can deal with a wide range of difficult, complex situations and yet emerge from loss with resilience and insight.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 4 - September 10, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A newscast or film clip from September 11 can catch us by surprise, acting as a trigger, and it's as if we're confronted with the event for the first time, all over again. September 11: Coping with Aftershocks « Grief Healing

What causes us to feel such grief over the death of a celebrity or public figure we did not know personally? Queen Elizabeth death: Collective grief a common phenomenon after a public figure dies « Philadelphia Inquirer

Supporting A Parent in Grief

[Reviewed and updated October 14, 2024]

The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

A reader writes - My mom died six months ago after a long battle with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Knowing that she had a terminal illness and that she was in the end stages of this disease, our family agreed to take her off life supports. I thought I had this all figured out, her dying. I thought I was prepared for that day. Boy what a shock to myself. This has been the worst thing that I have been through. I miss my mom so much that I feel physically ill. I don't think you ever really get over it, just need to figure out how to live with it. Now I am very worried about my dad. He has shut down. He drinks too much. He sits on the couch watching TV. He says he has no ambition to do anything. He misses her badly and is very lonely. My adult children do not visit him because they don't know how to handle him. So I call everyday and visit, have him over two or three times a week for supper. I don't know how to help him start living again.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 28 - September 3, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Wherever you might be in your grieving process, support can be found through counseling, which can help you work through grief and heal in a healthier way. Learn more below about the different types of grief, what grief counseling entails and how you might benefit from trying it. Grief Counseling: How It Works, Benefits And More « Forbes Health

In Grief: A Teen Mourns The Death of Her Best Friend

Because children and teens grieve differently than adults, their needs, especially support through the grieving process, are often overlooked. Consequently, children and teens are frequently forgotten, even invalidated, as mourners.  ~ Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

A reader writes: When I was 12 years old, my best friend in the whole world died, one month before her 12th birthday. She was in the swimming pool playing that game—you know, who can hold their breath the longest—she was under but when she came up she inhaled a lot of water. She stood up and went over to the ladder and she was wheezing. She got up to the ladder and fell backwards, but her cousin caught her.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 21 - August 27, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief is a funny thing (I know it's not), it manages to boomerang into your system in hysterical ways—especially when you think you've learned to live with it. As a human, you can neither cheat nor escape grief—you can, however, shoulder the loss in many different ways, something I’ve ironically learnt from TV shows and films. 5 Movies & Shows That Showcased Grief In A Hauntingly Beautiful Way « Elle

Pet Loss: A Reader Asks, How Am I Doing?

The thing about grief is that it's a roller coaster -- it's up, it's down. The emotions sometimes take over.  ~ Brent Sexton

A reader writes: It's been a bit over 7 months now since the death of my cat and I'd like to say I'm doing wonderfully, but I'm not. In fact, between the numbness that lasted so long and trying too hard to 'improve', I've had even more of a delayed reaction to the deep grief than I'd first thought! In some ways, I think I did 'better' with the loss of my first cat than with this one, in that I knew very little about coping skills at first and went about it almost in a more natural way. Whereas this time, I tried to apply maybe too many of those coping strategies too soon, resulting in more of an avoidance of the deeper pain than I'd wanted, or that I think was healthy for me. I'm still stuck in that to some degree, but overall, I've been feeling pretty terrible and debilitated....despite still doing things for myself and my future. But I miss my girl more and more each day w/o her and many times still can't even begin to contemplate a world w/o her here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 14 - August 20, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grieving is learning as our brains adjust to a profound change. In grief, our brains must rewire to function in a world minus our loved one. By avoiding painful feelings, you do not give your brain the opportunity to learn to manage them. Rewiring the Brain in Grief « Psychology Today 

Coping with Longing in Grief

[Reviewed and updated May 27, 2024]

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.  ~ Thomas Campbell

A reader writes: At the age of 47, I have suddenly lost the most significant person in my whole life. He was my first and only true love. I just cannot go on. I will not harm myself but I know my heart needs to find his. I am empty -- lifeless without him -- I sometimes lay my head down at night and want him to come to me and take me with him. I have not felt his presence and crave it every single second of every single day. I have lost many people close to me including my dad but this pain is unbearable. I don't believe I have ever loved this deeply in my life and I have many loved ones around me. The only comfort I crave is to be in his arms again -- so I ache for something that I will never have.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 7 - August 13, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

However painful, Michael Cholbi believes grief can be valuable for the person who grieves. Grief has a purpose: the various emotions one feels as bereavement unfolds are our way of attending to the many elements of our relationship with the deceased. Beyond the Pain: A Philosopher's Guide to Grappling with Grief « The Jewish Herald-Voice

In Grief: Dying With A Smile

There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressable - a wound that will never quite heal. ~ Susan Wiggs

A reader writes: I just lost my mother. I am an only child and my father is gone too, so I feel so alone. I am finding it hard to function, but I am a single mom of three children, so I need to pull myself together. My mother and I were closer than two people could ever possibly be. She gave birth to me after 13 years of trying, and dedicated herself to me 100%. We were together every single day. She helped me with my children ever since they were born, even when I was still married.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 31 - August 6, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

If you are unsure whether you are experiencing grief or finding it challenging to work through bereavement, grief counseling can offer support and helpful ways to bring meaning to the loss and allow you to move forward through your grief. Grief Counseling: What It Is, and Therapist Finder Resources « Very Well Health

Finding A Friend in Grief

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

A reader writes: Marty, I just wanted to write and thank you for your Grief Healing Discussion Groups website. It's been 6 months since I lost my horse, Domino. I know you recently heard from my friend, Anita, who lost her dog shortly after I lost Domino last August. Although Anita lives in Canada and I live in the States, we have developed a wonderful friendship via email and telephone calls.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 24 - July 30, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The language of closure can often create confusion and false hope for those experiencing loss. Individuals who are grieving feel more supported when they are allowed time to learn to live with their loss and not pushed to find closure. Pushing 'closure' after trauma can be harmful to people grieving – here's what you can do instead « The Conversation

In Grief: Surviving The Trauma of Abuse

[Reviewed and updated April 18. 2024]

A good half of the art of living is resilience.  ~ Alain de Botton

A reader writes:  Where to begin? As a child I was sexually abused starting at the age of 4, by my older siblings. I have 4 brothers in all and have been abused by 3 of them. This didn’t last long, but has left a mark on me that I have had to endure all my life. I have or thought I had come to terms with it.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, July 17 - July 23, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The dying process usually starts well before death actually occurs. Learn how to recognize the signs of approaching death from one month to one day. The End of Life Stages Timeline: What to Expect « VeryWellHealth

In Grief: When Pet Loss Feels Worse Than Person Loss

[Reviewed and updated March 5, 2024]

Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless he's owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes.  ~ Gene Hill

A reader writes:  I am totaly amazed with myself. My beloved dog got taken away very suddenly a week ago, hit and run, and I am a basket case over that. I know pets are not human, but does that make the loss any less? I am so sad I can really die. I know people say get over it he's only a dog, but he wasn't only a dog he was litterally my best friend. My grandfather passed away yesterday, and I feel so confused.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 10 - July 16, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The key to overcoming sorrow and sadness is to remember that you will get past it in time — even though you can’t possibly see how at the present. Overcoming Sorrow « PsychCentral

In Grief: Finding Comfort in Writings

But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.  ~ Lord Byron

A reader writes: We are all on a rough journey, a journey with no map and our companion is not by our side as we know it, but if we move ahead forward at whatever pace we so choose and find comfort in some way we have traveled far...I enjoy seeking these poems/writings as they are indeed comforting and they stimulate your thought process allowing you to really see the light so to speak. 

Having a bumpy ride this week, this has helped....grab a tissue...

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, July 3 - July 9, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Swedish researchers found that heart failure patients who had been struck by the grief that comes with losing a loved one faced a 5% to 20% spike in their risk of dying from heart failure over the following four years, a recent study found. Grief associated with increased risk of death among heart failure patients « UPI

In Grief: Death of A Marriage

In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder.  ~ Fulton J. Sheen

A reader writes: Two months ago my wife of 5 years came to me out of the blue and asked me for a divorce. To make a long and painful story short, she had been seeing another man and in the time since discovering this I have found out our entire relationship was one lie after another.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 19 - July 2, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Assumptions about the nature of a person's grief based on the type of relationship they shared with the person who died often lead to disenfranchised grieving. What's in a name? Why you can't judge grief by a title « What's Your Grief? 

"I don’t downplay other people’s losses—each is its own unique pain—but the loss of a spouse is perhaps the most world-altering in the day-to-day. It is vast, encompassing every aspect of one’s life." The Infinite Sorrows of Grieving a Spouse « Psychology Today

When Grief Is Delayed and Unresolved

[Reviewed and updated July 14, 2024]

Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on.     ~ Rabindranath Tagore

A reader writes: I found your Grief Healing websites via Google and I appreciate the wonderful articles and online support group you offer. I'm a man, 44, and through some wonderful recent life experiences I am just now getting in touch with some very old and very deep sadness. It feels like grief but there's no person I'm grieving over; it's the loss of a normal childhood that I'm feeling deep sadness over. Are there grief support groups on the Internet that help guide people in my situation? Thanks very much.

Voices of Experience: Living After My Son's Suicide

On the afternoon of December 23, 2011, Judi Merriam's eighteen-year-old son, Jenson, took his life ~ an act that blindsided everyone who knew him ~ changing her life and those of her family forever. The suicide of a loved one is devastating for those left behind and brings deep despair and seemingly endless grief. Judi was forced to confront profound feelings of loss and guilt and a future so very different from what she thought it would be. In her honest and soul-searching memoir, Empty Shoes by The Door, Judi reflects with grace and courage on the experience of living life after an unfathomable loss.