In Grief: The Power of Forgiveness

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In Grief: The Gift of Forgiveness

A reader writes: I lost my mom six weeks ago. We had a distant and strange relationship my entire life as she favored my brother and made no qualms about showing it financially and otherwise. During my childhood there was much conflict in the house and she didn't protect me from it and wasn't remorseful. Dad had 7 heart attacks during my teen years and died when I was 19 (I'm 53 now). Our home revolved around chronic illness and tension and anger. I resented mom during my 20's and 30's for not protecting me from my father and brother and also had trouble with her obvious favoritism toward my brother which she expressed financially. I moved away many years ago and tried to create a more functional environment for myself and learn about love and support in other types of circles.

As an adult I had to come to terms with the fact that mom did the best she could in life with what she had to work with and loved me as best she could. In the last few years I learned to meet her on her terms and accept the level of love she could offer me. I planned to move closer to mom so we could go out to dinner and go on walks together. I knew that many years ago mom and I enjoyed traveling the world together and loved walking and talking, so this seemed like a great plan and we both looked forward to it. 

A little over a month before she died I had a "feeling" that mom needed me and when I came to visit I saw that she wasn't looking well. I took her to the doctor and she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She died just 3 weeks later. Our plans were tragically cut short. 

My mom asked me to stay and care for her while she was ill. During that time we had wonderful conversations, while it was possible, and most of all we talked of forgiveness and love. I told her I loved her so many times and she told me as well. We bonded and I was able to protect her when she was fearful when she couldn't breathe. I was able to protect her in the way she couldn't protect me. I was able to love her in the way she couldn't love me. All of this was so wonderful and cathartic. 

As it turned out, we healed each other in the end. At least I hope that's how it was for both of us. I miss her so much as she was my one and only last family. I don't have a relationship with my brother, so this is it for me. I don't have a mother now. I will have to mother myself and I think I learned how to do that in those last days with my mom. I truly loved her unconditionally.