In Grief: No Sense of "Collective Closure" After Dad's Death

Reviewed and updated July 22, 2024]

When words are inadequate, have a ritual.  ~ Author Unknown

A reader writes: As soon as they learned that my father had died, the most beautiful flowers and lovely cards from friends and relatives around the country began to arrive at my door. Knowing that so many people are there for me and that all of them care means so much to me.

Still, all of this is so very, very odd-feeling, and I hope you can help me to understand why. My step-mother arbitrarily decided that, in her opinion, my father didn't know enough people in their town to make having a funeral or memorial service for him there "worth the effort." She had his body cremated virtually instantly, and she says we'll probably scatter his ashes over Long Island Sound sometime this summer.

Pet Loss, Grief & Caregiving Tweets, July 21 - July 27, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Why the Death of a Pet Can Feel Worse than Losing a Human Loved One, http://j.mp/32RPEIl « PEOPLE.com

Kate Bowler: How to Speak to Someone Who's Suffering « The Atlantic http://j.mp/2K6nlNE

WWRMD - What Would Rhoda Morgenstern Do? http://j.mp/2K4EJCm « Thrive Global

Pet Loss: Sibling's Insensitivity Causes Family Discord

Medicine to produce health must examine disease; and music, to create harmony must investigate discord.  ~ Plutarch

A reader writes: Two years ago my husband of 50 years died in his sleep, suddenly and unexpectedly. We have three grown children who live near our home, and for that, I am truly blessed. Our eldest son is single, our daughter is a single parent with a 16 year old son, and our younger son is married with two boys, ages 5 and 2. Both my husband and I were brought up in homes that never had pets and nobody ever asked for one. We raised our three children in homes with no pets and nobody ever asked to have a pet. So we do not know pet protocol and, of course, we’ve never experienced the death of a pet. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 14- July 20, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief-Sensitive School Initiative, http://j.mp/2O4OIN7 « New York Life Insurance Company

6 Ways to Support a Grieving Teen, http://j.mp/32yWsKu « Modern Loss

Traveling with Grief, http://j.mp/2O2iNwO « The Artful Caregiver

Voices of Experience: Surviving Complicated Grief

Sydell with her husband Rex, 2013

By Sydell Weiner, PhD

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief ~ but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.  ~ Hillary Stanton Zunin

Even though she is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Sydell Weiner writes that when her husband died nearly 3 years ago, "I fell apart. I was fortunate to find a 'Loss of Spouse' group at the Gathering Place, a service provided through Trinity Hospice at Providence Little Company of Mary. No sooner had that group ended, that a workshop called 'The Write Way' began. It provided guidance on how to use writing as a way of healing and working through grief. I have a blog on my website which had one or two counseling articles, but they were soon replaced by a series of blog posts that allowed me to express feelings too raw to talk about." The following post is taken from that series, and is reprinted here with Sydell's permission.

Pet Loss, Grief & Caregiving Tweets, July 7 - July 13, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Crossing The Rainbow Bridge: Signs That The End Of Life Is Near, http://j.mp/32oDl64 « iHeartDogs.com

He Trots the Air, http://j.mp/2NYnNCy « Outside Online

In Grief: "I Didn't Want My Mom To See Me Cry," http://j.mp/2YFGgF9 « Grief Healing

In Grief: "I Didn't Want My Mom To See Me Cry"

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

[Reviewed and updated October 18, 2021]

Tears are words waiting to be written.  ~ Paulo Coelho

A reader writes:  My mom always told me I was overly sensitive. If someone in my family was ill, she wouldn't tell me because she knew it would make me cry. She hated to see me cry and always told me so. When my mom was in the hospital I did not want to upset her, so I would not let her see me cry. I held back my tears. I did not want her to know how scared I was because I did not want her to be more scared. I didn't even cry in front of her until the last day and she was already gone. Even when she was breathing on the machine, until her last breath, she didn't see me cry for her. I did not want to upset her. I did not want her to suffer ever. Mom always did the right thing. I wish I would have done a better job for her. Yes I did love on her and tell her how much we all loved her, just should have done everything different.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 30 - July 6, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die, http://bit.ly/2FYxJpn « McGillOSS

Book Review: The Unexpected Journey of Caring: The Transformation from Loved One to Caregiver, http://j.mp/2FO6PjY « Well Spouse Association

In Grief: Use Caution When Seeking Comfort, http://j.mp/2YvcFOI « Grief Healing

In Grief: Use Caution When Seeking Comfort

Find the latest version of this post here:

Take Care in Seeking Comfort and Support in Grief

A reader writes: One of my recent problems has to to do with a book I’m reading, consisting mainly of writings and 'lectures' by a man who claims to be an actual avatar, a real embodiment of God Itself, and whose claims of how things really are, and how a continuing life might be for anyone, are very, very close to what I already believed to be the most logical and sensible way things probably worked. BUT, a few of the things he says have also been not only different, but quite frightening, at least to me.