Voices of Experience: This Birthday

by Catharine H. Murray

In my country on our birthdays, we receive presents from the people we love. In the country where my son was born they celebrate birthdays in a different way. His cousins and grandmother and neighbors take food to the temple to offer to the monks so that the people they love who have died will be able to enjoy it in their own realm.

I never know what to do on Chan’s birthday.

Twenty years ago on June 23, 1998, he was born at home in our bed. He was so loved. And then, when he was six and a half, when he was the center of our family, when we were trying with everything we had to make him well, to keep him with us, to cure him of the disease inside his bones that was spreading through his body, he died.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 21 - October 27, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously, http://j.mp/2Audz4m « Scientific American

No Choice, Some Choices, and 'Choosement', http://j.mp/2Apda33 « Open to Hope 

Beautiful: This note was left on the gate at the water this afternoon. No name or number left but whoever you are, rest assured your rose is in place in the middle of the lake. http://j.mp/2PWGinv « BVGS Rowing

In Grief: Taking Time to Mourn

Find the latest version of this post here:

Making Time and Space for Grief

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

As to asking Why? and Why Not? Why not the bad people, the ones who do wrong and don't ask for forgiveness? Well one answer that my brother told me was that God does not want bad souls in heaven only angels and my mom is an Angel 100%. I have also been told that we each and everyone one of us is put here on earth to accomplish something and once we do it’s time to go Home so to speak. I realize that people die its natural but why my mom? Her life was hard enough and she suffered for many years on personal things so that this cancer she had was a piece of cake. Mom survived breast cancer years and years before. I know that it is not our choice in the matter. I do want my mom back. I see every time I turn on the TV about a cancer breakthrough yea thanks is all I can say at this time. Please forgive me in my mood writing its just this is the 1st time of losing someone and have no idea how to get through it!!!!!!!!! Its been 3 months and 4 days. Thanks. 

Caregiving and Hospice, October 14 - October 20, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

I Need to Have a Life, http://j.mp/2R25Ksa « The Caregiver Space

A Working Class Death, http://j.mp/2AdWUll « True

When Your Partner Is Dying, What Do You Say? http://j.mp/2A9ld43 « NextAvenue

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 14 - October 20, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One, http://j.mp/2Ail3az « NextAvenue

Review: Sorry For Your Loss is a heartfelt glossary of grief,  http://j.mp/2AjfIzO  « The Spinoff

In Her Defense, I Defined My Journey, http://j.mp/2QZBz4G « Grief Watch

Coping with Pet Loss, October 14 - October 20, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Had My Dog Come Back as a Squirrel? http://j.mp/2Al1HBH « Modern Loss

Our cat is teaching our son about aging and dying. http://j.mp/2Ad5QYg « The Death Deck

Loving An Old Dog — And Knowing When To Let Him Go, http://bit.ly/2A9i9VB « Cognoscenti

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

In Grief: Coming Apart at The Seams

[Reviewed and updated October 15, 2024]

Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again. ~ Helen Steiner Rice

A reader writes: I lost my Grandmother last month and I cannot seem to get control of my emotions. I am constantly in tears. I have never been this depressed and empty inside in all my life. I was given time off from work and assured that my job was not in jeopardy just get myself well and my job would be there once I returned. Apparently, I wasn't getting it together quick enough because I was informed that I would be immediately terminated tomorrow if I do not come to work.

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning The Loss of a Stepson

[Reviewed and updated February 13, 2022]

Disenfranchised grievers experience strong feelings that are often complicated or exacerbated by the relationship, by the type of loss or by isolation. These lead to the central paradox of disenfranchised grief: though grief is often intense, the social support that assists other grievers is absent.  ~ Kenneth J. Doka

A colleague writes: I hope you can give me some advice. One of our staff members lost her 18-year-old stepson last week in a car accident. She and her husband married six years ago, combining two families. Each had three children by previous marriages. They all lived together as a blended family, although their children's other parent remained involved. I went to the wake and it was painful to see my friend excluded from all the collage photos. Her kids were there in some of them and all the kids are very close. Her daughter and his son (the one who died) are the same age and were close. She's got a lot of disenfranchised grief going on. I know there is information out there on step-parent grief, but wondered if you knew of any books or resources that are particularly good?

Caregiving and Hospice, September 30 - October 6, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How Do You Die From Alzheimer's? The Last Stage of Dementia Explained, http://j.mp/2IErEOU « Being Patient

Four Questions We Tend to Ask When Faced with Our Own Mortality, http://j.mp/2yhgRp6 « BK Books

A Rapidly Aging Country Demands More Palliative Care. UVA is Delivering. http://j.mp/2yaF14u « UVA Today

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 30 - October 6, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Death Guilt: I Feel Like It’s My Fault, http://j.mp/2y8vone « Grief Compass

10 Ways to Overcome Grief-Related Anxiety, http://j.mp/2y95Iqo « Modern Loss

Talking with Kids about a Death from Addiction (Substance Use), http://j.mp/2y6oH4Z « Moyer Foundation

Helping Young Children with Pet Loss

[Reviewed and updated May 15, 2022]

When a cherished pet dies, parents have a valuable opportunity to teach their children that although grief hurts, it's a fact of life, it's a part of being human, and it happens whenever we lose someone we love. 

A reader writes: Three months ago our beloved 17-year-old dog Lady passed away. Honestly we knew it was coming. We believe she caught a cold that turned to pneumonia and she could no longer fight it. As I sit here writing this I am crying because it is still painful to realize. My four-year-old daughter is still bringing it up a least three times a month if not more.