In Grief: Coping with Deaths "Close Enough to Hurt"

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In Grief: Coping with Traumatic Loss

A reader writes: For the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister, and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt. Anyway, I've become so paranoid I can't sleep.

I can't imagine the father of that child not having her around anymore. I can't imagine him going to an empty bed at night. I keep imagining her little girl with her gorgeous curls and cherubic face lying in that coffin cuddled in her mother's arms. I'm so saddened by it all I can't breathe. I'm missing moments of the day that I don't remember and I can't sleep. I didn't eat until 9pm and didn't realize it until my husband asked if I'd eaten. I feel so crazy because as I said, we weren't extremely close anymore, but there's a bond among mothers, and parents. A death of a child is always close. I can't hug my three year old without crying. I can't sleep because of the images in my mind. My husband has been off this week so we've been together. He goes back to work tomorrow and I'm so scared something will happen. My children were eating dinner and I pulled their chairs close to me for fear they'd choke. My son fell out of bed and started to cry and I had a panic attack checking him over. I'm so scared to experience the same losses that I just watched someone else go through. I feel so selfish for thinking that way and now I have that guilt too. He and his other children were so peaceful at the wake and funeral. Solemn, but peaceful. My friend was a very - no stress allowed - type of person. Don't stress what you can't change. I wish I could wrap my mind around that instead. 

I just can't get past this fear. This has been a week from hell. My Great Uncle died 5am Mon., my friend died 1pm Mon., my friend's four year old daughter died Tues., a ten year old girl my niece knew died 7am Weds., and then on Saturday at that little girl's funeral a policeman directing the funeral procession was killed. I'm scared to move. It's like this town or this week or something is cursed. I know, I sound crazy. What a week to run out of Zoloft.

Thanks for the ventilation, sorry for the depression. I'm open to any advice on getting to sleep without pills. I've been taking a lovely mix this week and now I'm out and can't sleep because I have nothing to stop the pictures in my mind.