Voices of Experience: Wonder

by Kathie Brumbaugh

Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.  ~ Socrates

I wonder if life will ever be worth living again? Will there ever be joy, happiness or hope?

I wonder if my tunnel will ever have a light at the end of it? Will this black and gloomy cloud ever lift and float away?

I wonder where Charley is? Is he ok, is he happy or sad? Can he see me and is he hoping we’ll be together again?

I wonder if the loneliness and despair will fade away? Will misery, sadness and emptiness go with it?

I wonder if I will ever sleep good again? Will I want to cook, clean my house or take care of myself?

I wonder if guilt and regret will ever ease up? Did I do the right things, should I have done something different?

I wonder if I will ever be needed or wanted again? Do I have anything worthwhile to offer or will I be forgotten?

I wonder if my friends can stand the strain? Will they still be here for me in the end?

I wonder what changes I have yet to make? Will they be major earthquakes that level me or small aftershocks that I can withstand?

I wonder if farming alone will be enjoyable? Can I stand to use Charley’s machinery or will it make me cry again this year?

I wonder if sitting on the front porch looking out over the fields will ever be satisfying again? Will his empty chair be too hard to take?

I wonder if staying by myself will ever get better? Will I ever feel safe and comfortable in my own home?

I wonder if I’ll ever wake up looking forward to the day? Will my strength and ambition ever come back?

I wonder if my broken heart will ever heal and if so, how long does it take? Will I ever know love again, or is it gone forever?

I wonder if I will ever understand the word “wonder”? Will it ever make sense? I wonder . . . . . .

© by Kathie Brumbaugh

About the author: Kathie writes,“I'm just a farmer who doesn't go anywhere or do anything. We were homebodies with livestock that you can't leave. Charley and I were together 33 1/2 years. He was my life and I loved him dearly. He wanted to die at home and until that last week was fine. He died on July 20, 2015 with me by his side and I can't believe it'll be one year in six weeks. Seems like I just lost him. That last week is still quite vivid.”

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