In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

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Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

I know I need to pay attention to my grief, and I do. But I’d like to have better control over the shutdown spells because I don’t know what to do when their timing creates problems in the rest of my life. For example, I had an extended shutdown spell just when I was struggling to complete an important project at work. There was much work to be done, and the deadline could not be postponed. I almost didn’t deliver on time because during my shutdown I was too paralyzed to do anything but cry! That’s my dilemma – grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during my shutdown times. When things are that bad for me, telling myself to “suck it up” and press ahead isn’t helpful – it’s like trying to run a marathon an hour after open heart surgery.