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A reader writes: My only sibling and big brother passed away six months ago, he was 30 years old. I used to be able to cry. I mean I would cry at work when things got stressful, and I would cry after fighting with friends, or cry if I were purely frustrated. My brother passes away and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears ... six months later.
I have gotten teary-eyed but all of a sudden have the ability to shut it off. I just feel numb. I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone -- but not sure about that. I just find it strange that I won't cry ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.
My response: It's interesting that you say you "won't cry" rather than that you "can't cry," which implies that you are making a conscious choice not to cry.
Your concern about crying is understandable, my friend, but it's important to know that crying isn't necessarily a part of everyone's grieving style, and not crying isn't necessarily an indicator that you are headed for a "nervous breakdown."
There could be any number of reasons why you "won't cry," including the fear that if you permit yourself to cry, you will lose control, there will be no end to it and the tears will never stop. I can assure you that it is physically impossible to cry 24 hours a day, and in grief, there is no such thing as crying too much. You may be a person who experiences grief more intellectually than emotionally or who finds it easier to process pain more actively, through physical exercise or exertion. As a child you may have been taught that crying is a sign of weakness, and strong people (especially men) don't cry.
I have gotten teary-eyed but all of a sudden have the ability to shut it off. I just feel numb. I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone -- but not sure about that. I just find it strange that I won't cry ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.
My response: It's interesting that you say you "won't cry" rather than that you "can't cry," which implies that you are making a conscious choice not to cry.
Your concern about crying is understandable, my friend, but it's important to know that crying isn't necessarily a part of everyone's grieving style, and not crying isn't necessarily an indicator that you are headed for a "nervous breakdown."
There could be any number of reasons why you "won't cry," including the fear that if you permit yourself to cry, you will lose control, there will be no end to it and the tears will never stop. I can assure you that it is physically impossible to cry 24 hours a day, and in grief, there is no such thing as crying too much. You may be a person who experiences grief more intellectually than emotionally or who finds it easier to process pain more actively, through physical exercise or exertion. As a child you may have been taught that crying is a sign of weakness, and strong people (especially men) don't cry.
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