In Grief: Making Big Decisions After Major Loss
A reader writes: Two months ago we lost our 18-year-old son in a traffic accident just two blocks from our home. He was driving alone. We are talking about moving because my wife can't drive by the intersection anymore and does not feel comfortable in the home. I need some advice on the subject of moving. Would this be good, bad, or too soon? Would we regret a move later down the road? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
My response: My friend, my heart hurts for you as I read of the tragic death of your precious son. I am so sorry.
You've asked for advice about moving: Good, bad, too soon, something you'll come to regret later?
You know yourself and your wife better than anyone, so in the end this is a decision that belongs only to the two of you, especially since you are the ones who must live with the consequences of your decision. I can only share with you what experience has taught me, over many years of walking with and learning from other bereaved individuals.
Usually it is wise to avoid making hasty decisions, especially in matters of such consequence as moving. If you and your wife feel compelled to make a quick decision to move, I offer this useful rule of thumb: Make no major decisions for at least six to twelve months after this death, until you've experienced all the seasons of your emotions. This accident happened barely two months ago, and I would expect that at this point, you're both still frozen in a state of shock, barely able to believe (much less able to make any sense out of) what has happened to you. You and your wife are extremely raw and vulnerable right now, and not in the best frame of mind to be making major decisions, such as moving.
My response: My friend, my heart hurts for you as I read of the tragic death of your precious son. I am so sorry.
You've asked for advice about moving: Good, bad, too soon, something you'll come to regret later?
You know yourself and your wife better than anyone, so in the end this is a decision that belongs only to the two of you, especially since you are the ones who must live with the consequences of your decision. I can only share with you what experience has taught me, over many years of walking with and learning from other bereaved individuals.
Usually it is wise to avoid making hasty decisions, especially in matters of such consequence as moving. If you and your wife feel compelled to make a quick decision to move, I offer this useful rule of thumb: Make no major decisions for at least six to twelve months after this death, until you've experienced all the seasons of your emotions. This accident happened barely two months ago, and I would expect that at this point, you're both still frozen in a state of shock, barely able to believe (much less able to make any sense out of) what has happened to you. You and your wife are extremely raw and vulnerable right now, and not in the best frame of mind to be making major decisions, such as moving.
I was sure I would move after my husband's death. When he was ill, I couldn't imagine living in our home without him. I wanted to escape from my aching grief. But I waited to make this major decision, and now 5 years later, I'm still living in the home we shared for so many years. The home we created and the familiarity of the land nurtured and healed. It gave me a solid foundation on which to build a new life that included my loss. I don't think leaving would have helped me escape grief. I had to learn to be with it and let it transform me. And now, as it was immediately after his death, my husband's presence is within me more than about my surroundings. Where I go, he is with me. The body is gone. The love remains.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wisdom, Marty, and for giving me a chance to consider these ideas again.
Elaine http://elainemansfield.com/
You are so welcome, dear Elaine, and thank you for enriching this post with details of your own experience! Valued and much appreciated ♥
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