A reader writes: I’ve been suffering from depression for a long time and am under the care of a psychiatrist. I went to see my doctor for the first time since my father died and was a complete wreck since I had to re-tell what happened. I was crying because it's hard to talk about Dad's sudden downfall and last day, but my psychiatrist seemed to think that I was being overly emotional. I tried to tell him that I'm not upset every day and that I didn't think that my sadness less than five months after Dad's death was abnormal. I did confess to doing some stupid things immediately after he passed and how hard some things have been, but I walked out of his office feeling like I should be over it.
He didn't come out and say it but disregarded my comments about five months not being that long, how I've tried to be social, do yoga, etc. All I got in return was the sense that there is something wrong with me. I don't know how he expected me to behave since while I can talk about Dad, going over his last days is much different. I know people tell us we should be "over it," but I was let down that my doctor couldn't recognize that I'm trying and that I'm early into the grief process (he didn't seem to think that whatever my grief books have to say meant very much). I feel like everything I've been proud of doing meant nothing. In my mind a psychiatrist or counselor should congratulate you on what you have overcome and suggest actions that can help with what you haven't. I guess I just thought I was doing better by following an exercise plan and trying to re-connect with friends, but since I'm admittedly emotionally fragile, to hear only negatives hurt. I suppose that because I was trying to fill that void and a doctor ignored my efforts it stung harder.
He didn't come out and say it but disregarded my comments about five months not being that long, how I've tried to be social, do yoga, etc. All I got in return was the sense that there is something wrong with me. I don't know how he expected me to behave since while I can talk about Dad, going over his last days is much different. I know people tell us we should be "over it," but I was let down that my doctor couldn't recognize that I'm trying and that I'm early into the grief process (he didn't seem to think that whatever my grief books have to say meant very much). I feel like everything I've been proud of doing meant nothing. In my mind a psychiatrist or counselor should congratulate you on what you have overcome and suggest actions that can help with what you haven't. I guess I just thought I was doing better by following an exercise plan and trying to re-connect with friends, but since I'm admittedly emotionally fragile, to hear only negatives hurt. I suppose that because I was trying to fill that void and a doctor ignored my efforts it stung harder.
My doctor asked whether I'd rather “experience the grief and be miserable for a year or more” or take something to ease the pain. He even told me that to come to your online grief forum and vent was the wrong thing to do because none of the members are counselors! I responded that this place has been more than helpful but he brushed that off as well. Right now I'm torn - I personally believe that my emotions are natural since Dad passed recently, but it seems that I'm in the minority with that belief. I left my doctor's office more upset and angry than I have been in a long time.
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Marty,
ReplyDeletewhat an excellent reply to your reader. It is fortunate that your reader was connected to your community and has the opportunity to be educated on the grief process and share from other walking this journey.
Good work as always, I so appreciate and admire your good advice.
From my heart to yours, JoAnne: Thank you ♥
DeleteI'm glad that your reader came by to share their pain at your blog about missing their father. This is a tender place for all of us to fall, Marty.
ReplyDeleteWhen we love someone we never stop missing them. The psychiatrist was wrong and insensitive to the grief your reader poured out. The doc's vessel was cracked. He inflicted harm. It really was a form of bullying.
Once a therapist told my husband that he needed to get over the loss of our precious Katie. I was incensed, wrote a letter and told the therapist so and also said I thought she was outrageous to charge for that session.
The grieving world is unique. I think the therapist chosen has to have had losses in his or her own life to possess the empathy to understand and feel the mercy in their own loss to be able to extend it to the suffering world.
We all hurt somewhere. We all need kindness and understanding but especially when we are grieving.
http://www.wheneverydaymatters.com/?p=96
Warmly,Marty, and thank you.
Mary Jane
October 17, 2012 9:09 AM
My dear Mary Jane, I followed your link and read your excellent article, "How to Choose a Good Therapist." (Obviously we were on the same wavelength this past weekend!) I agree completely with your statement, "I also think the best therapists are 'Wounded Healers.' As long as they have worked on their own places of sorrow, betrayal, fear and loss these therapists are sensitive to your pain." From one Wounded Healer to another, thank you ♥
DeleteI'm glad that your reader came by to share their pain at your blog about missing their father. This is a tender place for all of us to fall.
ReplyDeleteI am working on grief counseling.
Thank you, Joey ~ and I deeply appreciate your description of this as "a tender place for all of us to fall." I am wishing you peace and healing in your own grief journey.♥
DeleteThank you, Marty
DeleteMarty--thank you for this compassionate, supportive, true and helpful response to your reader's query. I wish she'd change doctors! Psychiatrists like hers are a danger to mental health and any kind of moving forward and through--grief as well as depression! As a therapist and a bereaved mother, I know what you are saying is absolutely true. How her doctor can not know that support groups are one of the most helpful and healing places for people in grief is incredible to me. So glad she wrote to you and that she has connections on your forum.
ReplyDelete--Love to you,
Karla
Thank you, Karla ~ and I agree with you completely about the healing power of support groups. ♥
Deleteawesome post!! thanks for sharing this wonderful story i love reading it, i learned a lot from this and it gives me a different perspective on the topic!
ReplyDeleteUS Patent No: 8,287,534
Alicia, my dear, you are so welcome, and it warms my heart to learn that this was helpful to you! ♥
ReplyDelete