Two Deposits in Heaven: Making Sense of Child Loss

[Reviewed and updated October 19, 2024]

A reader writes: I think for me, right now, the worst part of my son’s death is not knowing exactly what happened. He died in a hit-and-run motorcycle accident, and we still don’t know the details or who was responsible for his death. Through the many trials of this life, I've become what others call a very strong person. I'm generally not someone who cries. In my life, my tears have usually been due to overwhelming frustration where I just couldn't take anymore. This is the second one of my children I've buried. Two deposits in Heaven! One of my other sons died many years ago at the age of 3 months from SIDS. I know the grieving process and I also know that this is very hard on the rest of my family. I have three grown children, all of whom still live at home. I felt I needed to find my support elsewhere because I know we all grieve differently. I have a strong belief system, so I know my sons are happy and in Heaven, but I'm still their mom and I miss them both so very much! I feel like I've been in a protective bubble and it is starting to deflate. I know a lot of things about grief but my knowing doesn't always help. The difference between the "head" and "heart" I suppose.

Caregiving and Hospice, June 17 - June 23, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Share caregiving concerns with fellow caregivers at CaregivingCafe Forum, http://ow.ly/bIhP7 via @CaregivingCafe
  
  
• New caregiving links: online health records for 911, memory loss, health forums, http://buff.ly/PH0R2l by @CaregivingCafe
  
  
• Storytelling Eases Seniors with Memory Loss, http://AgingCare.comhttp://j.mp/KRTGqc
  
  
• It's okay to question a doctor! 5 Ways to be an Advocate When Caregiving, http://bit.ly/MxUf67 by @robertssister1
  
  
• Caregiver’s Guide to Assisted Living, http://ow.ly/bBW9u from @TheConnilyn via @TCAsstLiving

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 17 - June 23, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• FriendGrief: How Do You Honor Your Friend? http://j.mp/MpbFzM
  
  
• Anticipatory ‪grief‬ in ‪caregiving‬, http://bit.ly/MxTlXj via @ActiveForever
  
  
• How Long Does Grief Last? http://j.mp/L3ePxw | griefministerdotcom
  
  
• The paradox of grief, http://j.mp/LEUQla | Heartbreak to Healing
  
  
• Compassion Fatigue: When the caregiver needs caregiving, http://bit.ly/MlQrCV by @Victoria_Noe

Coping with Pet Loss, June 17 - June 23, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• A Pet's Passing: Hospice Care, Support Groups Ease Pain for Pet Owners, http://t.co/U2nzsCy1 via @Pets_411
  
  
• Research on Coping after the Death of a Pet, http://j.mp/Mpmnq3 via @_lizzy_
  
  
• Healing ‪Pet Loss‬ Tip: Making Word Clouds with Wordle, http://j.mp/MERspT by @MarianneSoucy
  
  

Voices of Experience: Grief and Depression: Are They Different?

Photo by Lauren Cottrell

Elaine Mansfield’s husband died in 2008 after two years of illness. Since his death, Elaine has become a bereavement volunteer at Hospicare and Palliative Services of Tompkins County in Ithaca, New York. She writes for the Hospicare website and e-newsletter, and facilitates bereavement support groups for women who have lost their spouses or partners. The post below originally appeared on Elaine's blog on May 14, 2012, and is reprinted here with her permission.

It’s hard to distinguish between grief and depression. When does one slide into the other? Who gets to choose the labels anyway?

Caregiving and Hospice, June 10 - June 16, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Humor: Mary Maxwell’s Invocation at the 2012 Aging in America Conference http://j.mp/MbR16r  | Caregiver Stress
  
  
• How to Help When Help Is Not Wanted, http://ow.ly/bA7w4 by @beclosedotcom
  
  
• The Psychology of Pain: It’s Not What You Think, http://j.mp/JuWxi4 by @StanGoldberg
  
  
• MUST SEE: Beautiful PBS Video! The Role of The Hospice Chaplain, http://j.mp/M81kZ0
  
  
• Making light of dying, http://bit.ly/K4WLNb via @KSkipperFoster

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 10 - June 16, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• How Long Does Grief Last? http://j.mp/L3ePxw
  
  
• Book Review: Kayak Morning by Roger Rosenblatt: Navigating grief with meditation and kayaking, http://bit.ly/LQjYbn by @SevenPonds
  
  
• Chilliwack Hospice Horse Whisperer Grief Camp works to heal kids' hearts, http://bit.ly/NmBVjp via @schoolscribe33
  
  
• Using Photography to Make a Heartfelt Difference in Grief, http://bit.ly/KHiZVo via @annelizhannan
  
  
• Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief? http://j.mp/zVUhp5

Coping with Pet Loss, June 10 - June 16, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Pets or Humans, A Friend Is A Friend And Grief Is Grief, http://bit.ly/M7VAQY via @SJSworks
  
  
• Could hospice for pets benefit the animal and the human? @nprnews http://tinyurl.com/cy26cgt via @HorizonHCH
  
  

Father's Day

Source

Like other holidays and special days, Father's Day can be especially hard for those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. What can you do to make it easier? Here is a sampling of helpful suggestions, from several writers' different perspectives:

• I Am Still a Father: The Father's Day Birdhouse, by Glen Lord ~ "This year will be the 14th Father’s Day without my son and each year the pain of that first year is still there but now there is a joy. I continue to receive gifts from Noah on Father’s day and every day. They are the gifts of memories . . ."
  
  
• What Is Father's Day Without Fathers? by Pamela Cytrynbaum ~ "No one fills the shoes of a father. But the footprint that the man who fathered them left behind does not have to stay empty."
  
  

Traumatic Loss: Needing to Know the Details

Image Source

[Reviewed and updated September 2, 2024]

A reader writes: Ten days ago, I was notified that my 16-year-old son had been killed. He was crushed under a freight train when he tried to follow two other boys who had jumped from a platform into an open carriage as the train passed the station. He was such a good kid—someone you’d like the first time you met him. Like the newspaper report said, this was his first real mistake, and he paid for it with his life. Now I’m going through a rollercoaster . . . No one will tell me how he actually died—what actually killed him—so I am visualizing all these things. The police told me he died at 12:35 AM, but his phone rang my daughter’s phone at 2:36 AM. They didn’t find him for 3 hours. There are pieces missing. I’m worried he was still alive—but it’s like a wall of silence. I got a letter from the coroner yesterday stating the inquest will be in 10 weeks. I know this sounds macabre, but I need to know before then. I can’t sleep—I haven’t slept since Monday. I can’t eat. I feel sick. I’m not sure where to go from here.

Caregiving and Hospice, June 3 - June 9, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Doctors hesitate to prolong their own lives to avoid pain, http://bit.ly/Kj3Tvz from @rhgerard via @brisbanetimes
  
  
• Things to consider when moving your aging parents into your home, http://ow.ly/bsnSj via @AmyGoyer
  
  
• Respite for caregivers is rare. Here are 5 ways I make it last, http://ow.ly/bs6fW by @AmyGoyer
  
  
• New law would create online database for end-of-life wishes in Michigan, http://bit.ly/L8sS0R via @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Very informative article on pain management, http://bit.ly/NWS4IK from @achospice via @SolariHospice

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 3 - June 9, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Widow's Voice: Proud [of the W-word], http://j.mp/L8wscT
  
  
• Touching! On Loss and Regret, http://post.ly/7gyRV from @maykilmer via @dtanton
  
  
• Awesome tool for grief support groups! Tear Soup Cooking Tips (free download), http://bit.ly/MoLdsA by @griefwatch
  
  
• Tear Soup: A Recipe For Healing After Loss (book review), http://ht.ly/bre8x by @ChoosingChange
  
  
• Grief Watch June Newsletter: Read it here, http://bit.ly/Kp6hfv by @griefwatch

Coping with Pet Loss, June 3 - June 9, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Hospice for animal companions, http://j.mp/MVmiz9 via @hospice_news
  
  
• 3rd International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice Care, http://j.mp/KTtJnU
  
  
• Life Lessons My Dog Taught Me, http://ow.ly/bmncO from @PorchPotty via @mukimutt and @PsychToday
  
  
• Goodbye my pug, my first baby, http://bit.ly/LCck0t by @evmoms in @evtrib
  
  
• Grief Healing: Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One? http://j.mp/GZocuf by @griefhealing
  
  
• How you can help someone with petloss? http://j.mp/NFgDd3
  

Mother Struggles to "Accept" the Death of Her Son

Find an updated version of this post here: 

In Grief: Mother Struggles to "Accept" Son's Tragic Death

A reader writes: My son died instantly six months ago, when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 21 a week before the accident. 

Caregiving and Hospice, May 27-June 2, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• How to Evaluate End of Life Care in Nursing Homes, http://tinyurl.com/7eo9ncl via @ProntoCapital
  
  
• Volunteers: Making a difference for hospice patients in the dash, http://wp.me/p1HmLc-fV from @ProntoCapital via @teaminspire
  
  
• Pain Control, A Basic Kindness, http://bit.ly/KleR3g via @rhgerard in The Lancet
  
  
• Excellent! Finding the Words to Talk about Disability, http://j.mp/LV6km0
  
  
• Five Tips for Families Facing End-of-Life Care, http://ti.me/N0rgcH by@TIMEHealthland via @AgraceHospice and @rhgerard

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 27-June 2, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Best friend’s death leads 10-year-old to write touching essay, http://bit.ly/KlhwtP via @_lizzy_
  
  
• Children, Grief and Loss, http://bit.ly/e9mIfK by @DownSynAdvocacy
  
  
• Grief and Children with Special Needs, http://bit.ly/sZtiaj by@DownSynAdvocacy
  
  
• Excellent! Helping Kids Cope with the Suicide of a Parent, http://bit.ly/NlVu7O by @Kidlutions
  
  
• You are cordially invited to follow Grief Healing's Grief Board on Pinterest ~ lots of useful information! http://j.mp/JSaje4

Coping with Pet Loss, May 27-June 2, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• If you are coping with pet loss, see the invitation from @MarianneSoucy to use her Pet Memorial Board on Pinterest, http://j.mp/L4PVbw
  
  
• Sometimes it takes a village to place a pet, http://j.mp/JTD6ix
   
• Beautiful! Saying Goodbye to a Furry Friend, http://wp.me/pRWc9-5W by @radiodjsam