Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.

~ Mary Oliver

In the compelling account of grief delayed that appears below, a man describes what happened to him when his reaction to a significant loss was postponed for many years, rather than experienced, expressed, and fully felt at the time. Reprinted here with the author's permission, this story serves as a powerful reminder that, no matter when a death occurred or how long ago it happened, it is never too late to do the work of mourning. 

In October 1979, I lost my girlfriend Jan in a car accident. I was 18 and had just started college. She was 17 and a senior in high school. I came home for midterm break to the news – it had happened the night before.

Memorial Day

[Reviewed and updated May 22, 2024]

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.  ~ Lee Greenwood

The first time I visited our nation's capital many years ago, I was struck by the extraordinary size and power (as well as the sheer number) of the beautiful and moving monuments to be found there. In a sense, the entire city serves as a monument to dead people, not only to help us remember past presidents and famous historical figures who have died, but also to honor those soldiers who have given their lives in service to our country.

The beautiful video below was produced in 2010 by a young man looking to honor his grandfather. In the introduction to the piece, he writes, "Honor Air is an effort to charter flights to the National Mall bringing war veterans to see the memorials. Even though he served during WWII, my Grandfather who is 94 chose not to go because he didn't want to take the seat of a veteran who saw combat. Part of the reason I produced this piece was to bring the monuments to him."

Caregiving and Hospice, May 20 - May 26, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• MA Moves to Require End-of-Life Talks, http://onforb.es/KIvcZi via @annelizhannan
  
  
• For Military Families: 5 Resources for Caregivers of Veterans, http://j.mp/JLErbd via @YourTurnToCare
  
  
• One Moment Does Not Make a Journey, http://j.mp/KTYB4p « Caregiver Stress
  
  
• Video: Navigating the Senior Care Maze, http://j.mp/JrIe2B
  
  
• Pain management: myths and realities in hospice, http://j.mp/KPltWC from @tischmd via @jfclearywisc and @KSkipperFoster

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 20 - May 26, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Delayed Grief and The Aftermath Of Loss, http://j.mp/Khgwoe
  
  
• When Doctors Grieve, http://j.mp/KhghJR via @swhitbo
  
  
• Powerful Video: 3 Mothers on Losing a Child and How A Support Group Can Help, http://j.mp/JLK1uj via @HopefulMJ
  
  
• Helping Bereaved Youth Successfully Navigate Through the Grief Process, http://j.mp/JLN1Xv via @TraumaReport
  
  
• Amazing: Keeping A Father's Memory Alive, http://j.mp/KP1JT2  | Maria Shriver

Coping with Pet Loss: May 20 - May 26, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Should Friends Attend Pet Funerals? http://j.mp/Kig7QV  The answer is Yes!! « The Family Plot Blog

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

[Reviewed and updated November 17, 2024]

A sibling may be the keeper of one’s identity, the only person with the keys to one’s unfettered, more fundamental self.  ~ Marian Sandmaier

A reader writes: My brother and I were like twins growing up: 14 months apart and inseparable. When I was 25 and he was 26, he died of cancer. At the time, I didn't grieve hardly at all, as I was raised not to talk about intense feelings much. So...I put a lot of these painful feelings away, and didn't realize until this past year, when I was going through other stresses, that there was even something called delayed grief. The pain has been overwhelming. I am going through counseling with a really good therapist who is helping, but I am dreading my brother's death anniversary date that is coming up next month. It is always an extremely difficult month for me. I am especially dreading it this year. I had been doing better lately but the past two days I started crying just thinking about my brother. I miss him so much. He was my best friend in the world and no one can ever replace him. On top of everything else, I have guilt feelings that I didn't do enough to help him get diagnosed earlier. It has been so many years since he died but it feels like just yesterday.

Caregiving and Hospice, May 13 - May 19, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Revived by Music, http://j.mp/Js77WG via NYTimes.com
  
  
• Outstanding TED talk! Let's talk about dying, http://j.mp/JsfMrS via @happyhealing44
  
  
• Teen suicide: The Power of a Clown Nose, http://j.mp/KjUaQw via http://Examiner.com
  
  
• End of life shouldn't be spent in hospital, expert contends, http://bit.ly/Jcisz2 via @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• What caregiving is like: "Caregivers" video by Christorpher Reeve Foundation, http://youtu.be/OD-8Mk0ANpw via @CaregivingCafe

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 13 - May 19, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Stay Put? Or move forward in grief? http://j.mp/Js6RXD « The Grief Toolbox
  
  
• How alternative therapies can help in healing grief, http://j.mp/Js6kVA  « Interview by @SevenPonds
  
  
• Tips on how to heal a relationship: start by healing the self, http://bit.ly/wfovIF via @LovingTransform
  
  
• Grief: painful but precious, http://ow.ly/1jSJxe from @NEPetHospice via @GriefHelp
  
  
• Psychology of Regret,  http://vsb.li/H6VqbY by @DrMelanieG  « Psychology Today

Coping with Pet Loss, May 13 - May 19, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Gratitude as a tool for healing after pet loss, http://j.mp/JsdsRH by @MarianneSoucy

Remembering My Mom on Mother's Day

My mother and me, circa 1949

There's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begins. ~ Mitch Albom

On this Mother's Day I wish to pay tribute to my own mother, Evelyn Cecilia Merritt, by remembering her and sharing with you the special person she was.

Born on March 27, 1916, she exchanged her earthly address for a heavenly one on October 6, 1993, at the age of 77.

Because she was there from my beginning, she is a significant part of who I have become, and I am grateful for all the gifts she gave to me.

Caregiving and Hospice, May 6 - May 12, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Hospice provides support to ALL family members, including pets! http://fb.me/1P06BS0yK via @NHPCO_news
  
  
• Physician clarifies nature of hospice care, http://j.mp/Jkozzy by@drgarymac via @SolariHospice
  
  
• Hospice Nurses Are So Important,  http://j.mp/INcjo8 via Pallimed
  
  
• Informative segment on hospice care (in Spanish!),  http://j.mp/M4l1US  by TV reporter @SilviadeSaenz via @SolariHospice
  
  
• DSM-V Panel Backs Down on Diagnoses, http://j.mp/IIxRST  via NYTimes.com
  
  
• Caregiving: "The Hardest Job I’ve Ever Had" by Claire Bidwell Smith, http://j.mp/KjZzIZ via @MariaShriver
  
  
• How hospice helps a family who is losing a child to brain cancer, http://j.mp/KjUCQp by @cnn via @SolariHospice
  
  
• More hospices taking care of patients' pets, http://j.mp/JL9Mdm via @rhgerard
  
  
• A Rare Form of Dementia Tests a Vow of ‘for Better, for Worse,’http://j.mp/JW7wSF
  
  
• National Nurses Week 2012, http://j.mp/J9vOYs

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 6 - May 12, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• On the death of one’s parent, http://j.mp/J3Pbpo by @Bradyesque
  
  
• Outstanding! Leave a Legacy of No Regrets, http://j.mp/J3JesD
• Helping children with loss, http://j.mp/J3sUrO  | SevenPonds Blog
  
  
• Mothers Day is Sunday; what if your mom has already died? http://ow.ly/aNBpz via @HelloGrief
  
  
• Mothers Day Award-Winning Song for All Moms: Story Behind the Song, http://j.mp/M4hqGc
  
  
• Sibling Grief: The Surviving Child, http://j.mp/K2nxok by Kate Carlton
  
  
• Mother's Day Prep: Getting Through This Week, http://j.mp/K2iILL via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Daughter Who Started Mother’s Day, http://j.mp/K2i9S1  via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Siblings Grieve Too - Free webinar on Wednesday, May 16, http://dld.bz/bzx4z via @TCFofUSA
  
  
• Crossing a Bridge: Grief Reflection ~ from wife to widow; from us to me, http://bit.ly/IFybTK by @StoryForHealing
  
  
• Lovely! Mother’s Day Is Different Now, http://j.mp/ITVP1v by @esdeer
  
  
• Stunning: A Long Goodbye, http://j.mp/IIRfiE | Widow's Voice
  
  
• Grief on Special Days, http://j.mp/ICNtbL  | Hospice and Caregiving Blog
  
  
• Lovely: When Mother’s Day Is Hard, http://j.mp/KjSjwO by @DeniseLThompson
  
  
• Choosing NOT to "accept" death of a loved one is ok! http://j.mp/KjR9kU by @GriefScope
  
  
• Voices of Experience: The Labyrinth of Grief, http://j.mp/JaD9ZI
  
  
• Did you know Mother's Day was started by grieving moms? http://j.mp/JaCGqs via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Chocolate Chipped, A Smelly Book about Grief: "A Book I Hope You Never Need," http://j.mp/KAxIXY Review by @SussexMummy
  
  
• A beautiful photo of what courage is, http://ow.ly/aJMOp by @Esdeer
  
  
• What Does Tigger Know about Grief? http://shar.es/2jAjA via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Lovely book review at FriendGrief: "Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake," http://j.mp/KArUO0 by @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• After Husband's Suicide, Joy of Living Eventually Returns, http://j.mp/JW7j1L
  
  
• Death of a Child: The Blessing of a Broken Heart, http://j.mp/JW3J7Z
  

Coping with Pet Loss, May 6 - May 12, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• 7 tips to cope with loss of a pet, http://j.mp/JqqGkN  | Fox News
  
  
• Wonderful! How To Keep Your Heart Open When You Lose A Pet, http://j.mp/KAwxI0
  
  
• More hospices taking care of patients' pets, http://j.mp/JL9Mdm via @rhgerard
  
  
• Video: Rest In Peace, Silly Wagging Cookie Tail Dog, http://j.mp/M4oWRz
  

Voices of Experience: The Labyrinth of Grief

A Labyrinth is a physical manifestation of a metaphor. Enter it and take a slow walk to the center of your Self, gather the peace you find within it and carry that back out to comfort you on your Journey.  ~ The Karuna Project

A labyrinth is a single path that twists and turns back upon itself in an elaborate circular pattern. Unlike a maze, which is meant to be a challenge and a puzzle to be solved, the path of a labyrinth is designed to guide the walker from entrance to center. It can be used in many different ways, but primarily the labyrinth is intended to induce contemplation and thought as visitors slowly make their way along its winding path.

In the lovely piece that appears below, the author uses the labyrinth as a metaphor for walking the journey of grief. It is reprinted here with her permission.

The Labyrinth of Grief

It is a labyrinth.
Those who grieve, walk its path
as it winds back and forth,
in and out, day after day,
winding back upon itself and out around its edge
then back to where the path began.

National Nurses Week 2012

Nursing is an art; and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation as any painter's or sculptor's work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body -- the temple of God's spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts; I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.  ~ Florence Nightingale

Nurses: Advocating, Leading, Caring

Often described as an art and a science, nursing is a profession that embraces dedicated people with varied interests, strengths and passions because of the many opportunities the profession offers. Nurses work in hospitals, emergency rooms, school based clinics, and homeless shelters, to name a few. They have many roles – from staff nurse to educator to nurse practitioner and nurse researcher – and serve all of them with passion for the profession and with a strong commitment to patient safety.

National Nurses Week is celebrated annually from May 6, also known as National Nurses Day, through May 12, the birthday of Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing. Visit the NNW History page to learn more.

I am especially blessed to be working with nurses (better known as earthly angels) at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, Arizona ~ and during their special week, I hope you will join me in recognizing and thanking them for the very special work they do.

Related articles:

• Celebrate National Nurses Week 2012
• Hospice Nurses Are So Important
• Honoring Hospice Nurses
• What Will You Do....For National Nurses Week? 
• Loads of Free, Full-Text Nursing Journal Articles for Nurses Week [Six Days Only] 

© by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Caregiving and Hospice, April 29 - May 5, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• No Kids, Who Cares? Support group for childless adult caregivers, http://aarp.us/IVeJXG via @PLKCoffeeTalk
  
  
• Two Relationships in One http://ow.ly/aFgaf from @TheBowTieGuyvia @Pathways4Aging
  
  
• A Life of Service: On Tuesday, May 8 a wonderful free teleconference for hospice staff, http://j.mp/K7kdfj  via  @hospicejourney
  
  
• Bibliography for Music Therapy in Hospice Palliative Care, http://bit.ly/KvV36K by @VirtualHospice
  
  
• Cat Practice Develops Hospice Program for Aging Felines, http://bit.ly/L4F05o from @equestrianangel via @hospice_news
  
  
• Hospice Therapy Dog 'Spirit', Once Abused, Eases Pain for Sick, Dying, http://abcn.ws/IAkOGM via  @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Reaffirming Hospice Campaign - The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, http://j.mp/K7eKVL
  
  
• Her cat's presence brings love, comfort to woman dying in hospital, http://j.mp/K7Qdjy via @David_McElroy
  
  
• Survey reveals "startling findings" about what dying see, hear in final hours, http://goo.gl/PYB7d by @DyingMatters
  
  
• We are all healers, all in need of healing, http://j.mp/IrfiCx via @Gilchrist_News
• Dear Abby recommends hospice and offers NHPCO as resource, @RainbowHospice via @NHPCO_news
  
  
• To survive with cancer, you need to accept that you are going to die, http://j.mp/yc1EHF
  
  
• Must read: Terminal breast cancer leads woman to pick palliative care instead of aggressive therapy, http://j.mp/Iyvhkq
  
  
• Making caregiver respite last once we're back in the throes of caregiving, http://ow.ly/aDqSD by @AmyGoyer via @AARPfamily
  
  
• Caregiving with Siblings: 4 Tips to Gain Support of Siblings, http://see.sc/gvrFEx via @hoppy212ny
  
  
• Innovative approach: In the Backyard, Grandma's New Apartment, http://j.mp/Ktd7ze via http://NYTimes.com
  
  
• Feature-Matching Products to your Client’s Needs « EmpowerAbility®, http://j.mp/Irkrym
  
  
• 5 Playlists Every Caregiver Should Have on Their iPod « Soundscape, http://j.mp/IrjNAZ
  
  
• Finding Pride in Caregiving: LGBT Caregivers Answer the Call from the Community, http://ow.ly/aDms9 via @ASAging
  
  
• Caregiving with Siblings: Reducing sibling tensions in family caregiving http://ow.ly/axBLQ via @HISCNewportNews
  
  
• Even Guinnea Pigs can be Hospice Therapy Pets!http://pojonews.co/KuB4KI via @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Really helpful! Breaking bad news http://bit.ly/KvdGgh via @KSkipperFoster
  
  
• Hospice nursing is perfect love, http://bit.ly/IdXHTH from @hospicepharmacy via @AgraceHospice
  
  
• Beautiful! Patient gives hospice nurse an unexpected gift, http://bit.ly/Ij7hzB from @ctffox via @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Cheryl Eckl reviews Ira Byock's latest book, The Best Care Possible, http://j.mp/IMU0my
  
  
• Loyal Companion Helps a Veteran With PTSD, http://NYTimes.comhttp://j.mp/KkkVTd

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 29 - May 5, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief, http://shar.es/2cd0Y via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Devastation leads to opportunity: Cracking the World Wide Open, http://j.mp/JjDKHq by WidowChick
  
  
• Beautiful. "Love is in the Details," http://j.mp/JjDsAg by FriendGrief
  
  
• Experience counts: The Widows' Bond: Duct Tape Meets Its Match, http://j.mp/JjD199
  
  
• The club no one wanted to join: Widow's Voice, Not Very Private, http://j.mp/Iz0sfB
  
  
• Excellent! Grief Digest Magazine: Negotiating the Ever-Changing Currents of Grief, http://j.mp/IyY1tp
  
  
• Why Every Girl Needs a Dog, http://j.mp/K2jsEo
  
  
• Fantastic Hospice of the Valley resource: Explaining Funerals to Your Children, http://bit.ly/IEvM0e via @ctsinclair
  
  
• Tween mourns death of best friend, http://j.mp/I8yCph by Marty Tousley
  
  
• When You’re Feeling Gloomy, Encouragement Is a Lifeline! http://j.mp/IrmkuI by Stunned By Grief
  
  
• Great post! Competing Over Grief, http://j.mp/IHt83o by @karlsprague via @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• Dealing with Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief, http://j.mp/JMoQwV
  
  
• Excellent piece: When grief feels like a competition, http://j.mp/IwexwE
  
  
• Men Grieving Their Friends, http://ht.ly/azXyN from @TheGriefToolbox via @GoodMenProject
  

Coping with Pet Loss, April 29 - May 5, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Book Review: All God's Creatures Go To Heaven, http://goo.gl/fb/D8vpj by @slimtees2
  
  
• When re-homing is a better option: Pet Peace of Mind: A Better Place, http://j.mp/IrjaqT
  
  
• Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice: When To Euthanize A Pet, http://j.mp/IMTsNv by Dr. Dani McVety