A reader writes: It has been a year and four months since I lost my brother to suicide. I still feel so lost and more then ever I feel alone with my sadness, anger and disbelief. We had been close when we were younger (we were only 14 months apart) but as we got older we grew apart. The last thing I remember was fighting with him over the phone, six days before he died, and he made a comment about killing himself. I immediately called my dad and asked him to go check on him, but my dad told me that my brother was an adult now and he could not babysit him. Six days later he found him in his room.
My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic loss of your brother 16 months ago, but grateful that you’ve shared your story with us, and honored to be with you in your pain. As you’ve undoubtedly learned by now, death by suicide is one of the most difficult losses to endure, and certainly one of the most difficult to understand.
If you haven't done so already, I strongly encourage you to educate yourself about the subject of suicide and how you can survive it. Learning to understand and manage your own grief is your greatest power over this traumatic loss. I hope you will consider joining a suicide bereavement support network or find a grief counselor or therapist who specializes in traumatic loss and bereavement. (See the links below for suggestions. Your local suicide prevention center will have a good referral list; call and ask for a referral to a professional who works with survivors of suicide.)
In addition, I hope that you will read what others have written about surviving suicide. Doing so will assure you that you are not alone in this tragedy, will offer you some very practical ways to manage your grief, and will help you to recognize that if others can survive this most devastating of losses, then you can do it, too. (See especially Brandy Lidbeck's helpful and informative book, available on Amazon, The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide.)
I want to point you (and others reading this) to some resources that I hope will help. These and dozens of other resources are listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site:
- A Suicide Loss Survivor's Bill of Rights
- Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
- Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention
- Forefront: Innovations in Suicide Prevention
- The JED Foundation
- Friends for Survival of Suicide Loss
- Grief Memoirs Are for The Living
- Hope Beyond Substance-Related Loss (Audio)
- Healing for Survivors of Suicide
- Healing the Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations for People Who've Lost a Loved One to Suicide (Book)
- Heartbeat: Grief Support following Suicide
- In Grief: When A Friend Pulls Away
- Live Through This - Portraits and Stories of Suicide Attempt Survivors
- Living with Loss (AFSP Video Series)
- What My Dad's Suicide Taught Me About Resilience
- Now Matters Now
- Our Side of Suicide
- Prevention Toolkit for A Military Suicide Loss
- Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide (Book by Christopher Lucas)
- Suicide Shatters (Facebook Page to Raise Awareness)
- Suicide Support from Befrienders International
- Support After Suicide
- Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss
- Stop Suicide
- Trying to ‘Turn Grief Around’ after Brother’s Suicide
- United Suicide Survivors International
- When It Is Darkest: Why People Die by Suicide and What We Can Do to Prevent It (Book)
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
- 4 Things to Know About Emotional Wellness and Suicide Prevention by Melissa Howard
- 5 Things Every Suicide Survivor Should Know by Brandy Lidbeck
- 5 Things I Wish You Knew About The Suicide Griever by Katherine Thome
- 7 Suicide Grief and Prevention Resources Every Funeral Director Should Know by Litsa Williams
- After A Suicide: Information for Families via Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand
- A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold
- Anger and Grief: The suicide of a daughter showed me how these emotions go hand in hand by Jaletta Desmond
- Ask BR (Belleruth Naparstek): Suicide and Grief via YouTube
- A Son's Suicide and The Holiday Season by Robert Neimeyer
- Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide Loss by Bob Baugher
- Crack My Heart Wide Open by Laurie Easter
- Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with Death of a Child to Suicide or Drugs by William Feigelman et al
- Drug and Alcohol Deaths - Open to Hope Interview
- Drugs, Alcohol and Suicide - Open to Hope Interview
- Explaining Suicide to A Child by Marty Tousley
- Facing Grief Head On Through Faith by Rev. John McGinty
- Feeling Guilty After A Suicide by Bob Baugher
- Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss by Suicide by Linda Cheldelin Fell
- Grieving A Suicide Death via What's Your Grief?
- Healing from Grief After A Suicide - Love Lives On Interview
- Hiding in Plain Sight: Survivors of Suicide Loss by Cathy Cassata
- Hope In The Aftermath of Suicide by Jan McDaniel
- How Should We Talk about Suicide? Megan Devine interview
- How to Help A Teen Cope with A Peer's Death by Suicide
- How to Support Employees through Suicide Grief by Lindsey Hajek
- How to Talk with Someone Grieving A Suicide Loss via Mayo Clinic
- Husband's Suicide: How Do I Move On? by Dr. Robert Neimeyer
- I'm Not Afraid to Talk About Suicide by Sandy Fox
- In Grief: Supporting the Survivor of Suicide Loss by Marty Tousley
- Love You Like The Sky: Surviving The Suicide of a Beloved by Sarah Neustadter, PhD
- Mourning Death by Suicide: How You Can Provide Support for the Bereaved by Lekeisha Sumner
- My Brother Took His Own Life. Don't Ask If He Left a Note by Stephanie Abraham
- My Gay Daughter Took Her Own Life by Dr. Robert Neimeyer
- "My Son Took His Own Life" by Dr. Robert Neimeyer
- My Son Was A Columbine Shooter: This Is My Story TED Talk featuring Sue Klebold
- Navigating PTSD After Suicide via Our Side of Suicide
- Needs for grief support persist long after bereavement by suicide, as is apparent at key milestones
- Podcast: Grief After Suicide - It's Unique and Complicated by Ronnie Walker
- Processing the Suicides of Beloved Stars by Angelica Stabile
- Presentation Slides for Understanding Why People Die by Suicide
- Reflecting Out Loud by Deborah Greene
- ‘Remember’: New ministry serves Catholics grieving a suicide loss by Mary Farrow
- SafePlace: Good CompanyWhen Grieving A Suicide by Charlie Haffey
- Suicide Awareness Day Is Every Day by Megan Devine
- Suicide of a Loved One by Lisa Bates
- Suicide: A Cry for Life by Kathy Hurt
- Suicide: Surviving The Aftermath by Karen Wyatt
- Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide by Marty Tousley
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS)
- Talking Openly About Suicide by Amanda MacMillan
- TAPS Webinar: Understanding Why People Die by Suicide
- Ten Years and Counting Surviving a Brother's Death by Suicide by Michaela
- The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck
- The S Word Movie - Stories of Others Touched by Suicide
- The Understanding Your Suicide Grief Journal by Alan D. Wolfelt
- The Wilderness of Suicide Grief: Finding Your Way by Alan D. Wolfelt
- Thoughts of Suicide in Grief by Marty Tousley
- Three Suicides Last Month Connected to School Shootings by Laura B. Hayden
- To A Deeply Depressed Mother, Suicide Isn't Selfish by Jen Simon
- To Cope with My Father's Suicide, I Had to Learn to Love My Grief by Melissa Blake
- Understanding Survivors of Suicide Loss by Deborah Serani
- Understanding Your Suicide Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt
- Unencrypt - Suicide Post: Please Read by Carly Lafore
- Voices of Experience: Navigating Grief in The Wake of A Husband's Suicide by Charlotte Maya
- 'Was She Sick?' by Jen Simon
- What I've Learned about Grief Following Suicide by Jinny Broderick
- When Your Child Dies by Suicide by Dr. Harry Barry
- Zero Suicide: A Bold Mental Health Initiative by Simon Usborne
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Marty, I appreciate your kind remarks to the reader on linkedin whose loved one died by suicide. Many survivors are not aware of the valuable resources available to them after a suicide.
ReplyDeleteWhen my father killed himself 25 years ago, there were very few resources for survivors of suicide. I recall the day as though it was yesterday. I was in the hospital about to give birth to triplets when I was told that my father, a retired NYC police officer, shot himself in his head. As the years passed I have helped many survivors like myself heal from this painful experience.
To read my story, readers can go to:
AOL mydaily, It Happened to Me, June 29, 2011, How I Survived my Father’s Suicide before the Birth of my Triplets http://www.mydaily.com/2011/06/29/how-i-survived-my-fathers-suicide-before-birth-of-my-triplets/
If survivors of suicide would like to learn of grief resources specific to their needs, they can contact www.sharegrief.com. I am a bereavement specialist with sharegrief. For the past ten years, through emails, I have helped those bereaved by suicide cope with their sudden, traumatic loss. This is a free service to the bereaved. http://www.sharegrief.com
I also am a moderator of a blog for those bereaved by suicide at Open to Hope Foundation. I invite survivors to visit the community blog: Suicide/Overdose/Homicide, and share their stories. http://www.opentohope.com
If any survivors or professionals reading this blog are interested in reading my book, But I Didn’t Say Goodbye: Helping Children and Families After a Suicide, they can contact me directly and get a signed copy at a discounted price. My email is griefwork@aol.com
I'm so grateful for your helpful and informative comments, Barbara, and I thank you too for the wonderful work you do! Your book is in my personal library, and is listed among those I personally recommend ~ on my site's Suicide Loss webpage, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/suicide-loss.htm ♥
ReplyDeleteI lost my Father to suicide on 1/19/11. I was unfortunately the one who found him shortly after he shot himself in the backyard of the home we shared with my two children.
ReplyDeleteI started writing (http://www.daddyslittlegrill.blogspot.com) a few days after to keep my friends and family informed and to relieve some stress. It has transformed my life. I now find such peace in sharing my story and helping others who are going through a similar situation.
My heart goes out to the woman who lost her brother. Bless your heart Marty and Barbara for helping people who have suffered great loss.
My dear Whitney, I simply cannot imagine what it takes to survive such a horrible and unspeakable loss ~ and stories like yours (and Barbara Rubel's too) just bring me to my knees. You've both turned your own personal tragedies into determined efforts to offer compassion, support, understanding and hope to others who've suffered similar losses ~ and for that, you have my deepest admiration and respect. Survivors indeed. How fortunate we are to have people like you in our midst, to teach us and show us the way. ♥
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