Image via WikipediaConsequences follow when we force people to use a universal roadmap for grieving, and then judge those who do not follow it as wrong or sick. We deny the normality of grief. We deny the differences in our grieving experiences. We deny people the freedom to grieve. ~ Nancy Berns
If you find yourself (or someone you know) struggling with new waves of grief after having reached the one year mark, you are not alone.
A woman whose husband died 15 months ago described her experience this way:
Now it's just me and the dog. I was never very social -- my family was enough for me. If I were to become more social now, I'd basically have to change my personality -- and I just don't have the energy. People have been telling me to get a hobby or get active in some way -- but after I get home from work and walk the dog, I spend the rest of my time doing nothing at all. I feel paralyzed by grief. I know that our grief journey is a roller coaster -- but this roller coaster has been hurtling downward for quite some time. Is this what's called complicated grief? Am I depressed? I can't seem to get a grip on this and the future seems hopeless.
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH
A woman whose husband died 15 months ago described her experience this way:
Now it's just me and the dog. I was never very social -- my family was enough for me. If I were to become more social now, I'd basically have to change my personality -- and I just don't have the energy. People have been telling me to get a hobby or get active in some way -- but after I get home from work and walk the dog, I spend the rest of my time doing nothing at all. I feel paralyzed by grief. I know that our grief journey is a roller coaster -- but this roller coaster has been hurtling downward for quite some time. Is this what's called complicated grief? Am I depressed? I can't seem to get a grip on this and the future seems hopeless.
Most people expect to feel better after that first year of bereavement, as if they've reached some sort of significant milestone in their grief journey. Unfortunately, this is another of those myths about grief that simply does not hold true. If you assume that grief will ease as the second year begins, you may soon discover that in many ways it seems much harder now than it did before. You may find yourself feeling even worse ~ and that can seem very unsettling.
But think about it: For anyone grieving a significant loss, particularly when that was a spouse or life partner, the first year is a time of adjusting and learning to survive. Then comes the second year and, if you're like many mourners, it is even harder than the first, as this is when you are grappling with the harsh reality that your loved one is physically gone forever, along with all the secondary losses that accompany this death, including greatly diminished social support, financial instability or loss of religious faith.
If you take the time to explore some of the threads and read the posts in our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups, you will notice that many of our members are still actively mourning, even though their losses occurred three, four and five years ago. Fortunately, this site is one place where the bereaved can come to be surrounded by others who will not hold them to some arbitrary timetable and won't judge them for not being "over it" yet. I strongly believe that is why this site continues to be one of the most powerful sources of support for the bereaved.
Reading Suggestions
If you are past the first year of grief, feeling lost and looking for some direction, here is a list of some of the books I would recommend most highly to help you through (click on the book titles to read Amazon's description and reviews of each). And certainly if you've found a book or article that you've found especially helpful, please share it with us in the Post a Comment section below!
But think about it: For anyone grieving a significant loss, particularly when that was a spouse or life partner, the first year is a time of adjusting and learning to survive. Then comes the second year and, if you're like many mourners, it is even harder than the first, as this is when you are grappling with the harsh reality that your loved one is physically gone forever, along with all the secondary losses that accompany this death, including greatly diminished social support, financial instability or loss of religious faith.
If you take the time to explore some of the threads and read the posts in our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups, you will notice that many of our members are still actively mourning, even though their losses occurred three, four and five years ago. Fortunately, this site is one place where the bereaved can come to be surrounded by others who will not hold them to some arbitrary timetable and won't judge them for not being "over it" yet. I strongly believe that is why this site continues to be one of the most powerful sources of support for the bereaved.
Reading Suggestions
If you are past the first year of grief, feeling lost and looking for some direction, here is a list of some of the books I would recommend most highly to help you through (click on the book titles to read Amazon's description and reviews of each). And certainly if you've found a book or article that you've found especially helpful, please share it with us in the Post a Comment section below!
- Gaining Traction: Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner
- Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss
- A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss
- Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss
- The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love
- I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Cope and Heal
- How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies
- Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life after Experiencing Major Loss
- Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World
- Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief & How to Make It Meaningful
- Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way Through Difficult Times
- You Don't Have to Suffer: A Handbook for Moving Beyond Life's Crises
- 7 Years Later by Ladislao Loera
- A Conversation with Sheryl Sandberg PBS News Hour with Judy Woodruff
- After Grieving and Healing: Transformation by Taruni Tan
- After The First Year . . . Then What? via Hope for The Bereaved
- "Am I Grieving Right?" by Nancy Berns
- As Grief Changes, We Evolve With It by Sophia Dembling
- Checklist of Strategies for Coping with Grief by Donald Meichenbaum and Julie Myers
- Coping with Grief in the Second Year by Marty Tousley
- Counting Down to the Second Year of Grief by Pat Bertram
- Courage to Travel Alone While Grieving by The Artful Caregiver
- Dear Life: How Do I Feel Alive Again After Losing Someone I Love? by Megan Devine
- Does Time Heal Sorrow? by Robert Neimeyer
- Don't Believe One Widow's Experience Will Be the Same As Yours by Catherine Tidd
- Get Comfortable In Your Own Skin by Jack Kornfield
- Grief Does Not Get "Transformed" by Megan Devine
- Grief Update: Going On Alone by Pat Bertram
- Grief, Healing and the One to Two-Year Myth by Karen Carney
- Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss by Karyn Arnold
- I (Still) Go to Therapy by Olivia Arnold
- I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore: Grief and Loss of Identity by What's Your Grief?
- Liam, Natasha, Grief, and the Unstable World by Megan Devine
- Meeting the Challenges of the Third Year of Grief by Pat Bertram
- Mindful Grief by Michelle Jarvie
- Riding the Roller Coaster by Sophia Dembling
- Second Year Grief by Barbara Mason
- Secondary Losses: Why Grief Is So Hard and Lasts So Long by Karyn Arnold
- Ten Thousand Miles by Barbara Mason
- The Condolences End. Being a Widow Doesn't by Lisa Kolb
- The Five Major Challenges We Face During The Second Year of Grief by Pat Bertram
- The Long Game After Loss by Christina Rasmussen
- The Seven-Year Glitch: When Grieving Gets Easier by Teresa TL Bruce
- The Story by Stephanie Vendrell
- Through the Looking Glass by Chris Weaver
- Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief by Marty Tousley
- Understanding Secondary Losses in Grief by Sr. Mary Agnes Sermersheim, OSB
- When Will You "Get Over" the Death of A Loved One? by Sophia Dembling
- Why Do I Feel Worse 2-3 Years After My Significant Life Loss Event? by Anna Elizabeth
- Why Do I Feel Worse Now Than I Did Right After My Husband Died? by Melinda Richarz Lyons
- Why Grief Is A Series of Contractions and Expansions by Joanne Cacciatore
- Year Two: It's Not Over by Jessie Boatright
- You'd Think I'd Be Better by Catherine Tidd
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH
Marty I think this is such a great article, such an affirmation that yes indeed the 2nd year brings with it as many challenges as the first year. When you climb over the hill of that first year expecting green pastures, the reality is there are different pastures not necessarily greener ones, though in time they do indeed come.
ReplyDeleteSo very true, Maureen ~ and thank you so much for all the good work you do to support those who find themselves in that place ♥
ReplyDelete