Caregiving and Hospice, December 19 - December 25

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Experiencing a hospice chaplain visit, http://bit.ly/er3fuN via @HRRV

• Real Meaning | What Christmas Should be About, http://bit.ly/fY93mY

• The Doctor's Dog Will See You Now, http://on.wsj.com/eDpEfX

• You’re NOT Your Parent’s Parent | AgeWiseLiving, http://bit.ly/ecaK9f 

• Differences between hospice care and palliative care, http://ht.ly/3qbCQ by @HospiceCLT via @rahrahrochie @AAHSA

• Common Mistakes when Caring for an Aging Parent, http://shar.es/Xx2MF via @AgeWiseLiving @WomansDay

• Beautiful! To Do Lists for Hospice Holiday: Dying Doesn't Stop at Christmas, http://bit.ly/faQOIi by @Jill_Shaw 

• Hospitals team on end of life care, http://bit.ly/eYoAfz via @Hospicecny 

• Blessing of palliative care: easing life's final choices, articles.latimes.com/2010/dec/18/lo… via @ClaudiaNichols

• During the holidays and beyond: Wishing You Enough, http://bit.ly/flN3Js 

• Gripping story! With Love, Teens Face a Deadly Diagnosis, http://aol.it/frQEQ6 

• Former hospice nurse writes about Hospice Care, http://bit.ly/i7GsTu via @ALZHEIMERSread

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 19 - December 25

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Death of a Relationship: Examining Death, Including the One I Caused, http://bit.ly/fdZbr1 via @HIVictorious @TheBodyDotCom

• Are long distance relationships with a widower worth it? http://bit.ly/g9ODSs by @abelkeogh

• May You Always . . . http://networkedblogs.com/c8ULZ via @AgeWiseLiving

• Take time to appreciate all the gifts in our lives, http://bit.ly/gbxoTi via @centeringcorp

• The Best Gift You Can Put Under the Tree, http://nblo.gs/c8yl9 by @KSBuckley

• Must read! Why It's Imperative That Employers Support Grieving Employees, http://huff.to/hkotPJ 

• Trials Do Not Build Character, by Steve Christen http://bit.ly/fWecdW @GrievingDads

• Baby Boomers Alone At the Holidays – Coping With Grief, Finding Joy, http://ow.ly/3sLQg via @ctffox

• Patterns of Grief in Men, Women Differ, http://ow.ly/3soVk via @ctffox 

• Trouble sleeping? Tips from Caring.com, http://bit.ly/fLurnl via @ShelleyWebbRN 

• Death and the Holidays, http://bit.ly/fGhAM

• Coping with parent loss, pet loss and grief work during the holidays, http://bit.ly/eyvxY6

• Widow To Widow: Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life is a book often recommended by my readers, too! via @Freshwidow 

• Hospice Helps with Grief Through The Holidays, http://huff.to/f3Kwor @huffingtonpost via @romans_mama 

• ACCESS provides support to hundreds of grief-stricken individuals affected by air disasters, http://bit.ly/grbaB5 via @Jen4_ACCESS 

• How to cope when it's a not-so-jolly holiday, http://bit.ly/hIgkAq via @Tributescom 

• During the holidays and beyond: Wishing You Enough, http://bit.ly/flN3Js  

Coping with Pet Loss, December 19 - December 25

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• A secret tree in NYC Central Park memorializes animals, http://ow.ly/3tKaU RT @VetWisdom @PetDecisions

• Honoring the bond and the grief that stems from pet loss, http://ow.ly/3sBsG via @VetWisdom

• Coping with parent loss, pet loss and grief work during the holidays, http://bit.ly/eyvxY6 

• Coping with pet loss and grief during the holidays, http://j.mp/hAANsJ by @consciouscats via @VetWisdom 

During the Holidays and Beyond: Wishing You Enough

Dear Ones,

This story came to me over the Internet one day.  I've since learned that it was taken from a piece originally written by Bob Perks, and it is reprinted here with his permission.  I hope it touches your heart as it does my own:

Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together [at a regional airport.] 

They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."  She in turn said,

"Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left.  He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied.  Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. 

Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye," I asked, "I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."  He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.  "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory:

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

"I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

"I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

"I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

"I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

"I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

"I wish you enough 'Hello's' to get you through the final 'Goodbye'."

He then began to sob and walked away.

Dear readers, this is my holiday wish for you:

Whatever is beautiful, whatever is meaningful, whatever brings you peace, may it be yours this Holiday Season ~ and may it be enough to sustain you throughout the New Year.

Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty

 ~   ~  ~

You may be interested to learn that Bob's beautiful story has been expanded into a book by the same title.  You can read Amazon's description and reviews here: I Wish You Enough: Embracing Life's Most Valuable Moments, One Wish at a Time.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.
If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here. 

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH

Caregiving and Hospice, December 12 - December 18

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Are Most Published Studies Lies?  http://bit.ly/dNdxyu by @GeriPal

• Unconditional love from a Pawsitive Pal is the best medicine, http://bit.ly/gjFf23 via @SanDiegoHospice

• No choice involved: Hospice & palliative care now proven to be best practice, http://bit.ly/dUyWwX via @CvonGunten

• Ambassador for Care @LeezaGibbons will share advice on caregiving at www.aarp.org/leeza via @aarpma

• Lovely lesson in caregiving from critically ill Dad: "Use the best!" http://bit.ly/esqWMm by @lydiaburdick

• Patient asked to share his hospice story; this lovely video honors his wish, http://youtu.be/CVNpDf2wBEY 

• Making sure elder loved ones are doing okay over holidays, http://ow.ly/3pINf by @aarpma 

• Coping with the medical records system while caregiving, http://ow.ly/3pMWw via @ThePMTeam 

• Caregivers Need the Gift of Respites, http://huff.to/dMATc

• Debating the Ethics of Rationing End-of-Life Care, http://to.pbs.org/d2ce0w 

• Benefits of early palliative care consultations, http://bit.ly/elQD9e 

• When cancer victims turn hope into acceptance, http://bit.ly/fTh0xw via @hospicepharmacy

• Kivel partners with Hospice of the Valley to serve members of the Jewish community, http://bit.ly/gPptgi via @hospice_news

• Young hospice volunteers inspire others, http://bit.ly/dG1R7l via @Hospicecny 

• High tech, intensive care is a poor substitute for emotional fulfillment at end of life, http://bit.ly/e3huUT 

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 12 - December 18

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Holidays: Every year can be difficult when a loved one is missing, http://ow.ly/3lB0V by @dikeough

• How To Cope With Grief During The Holidays, http://bit.ly/gDE0hS by @Joannefunch via @More.com

• Grief Medication is Not the Answer, http://nblo.gs/bZWMo | Huffington Post via @KSBuckley

• The Widdahood: New social support site for anyone who's lost a significant other, http://bit.ly/gDqZ8u

• How to cope with life after caregiving, http://ht.ly/3mAEO via @dr_marion @hwcaregivers

• Journaling Creates Your Personal Winter Wonderland, http://bit.ly/gVm0VL via @CreateWriteNow

• Riveting video: Widower describes coping as a single dad two years into his grief, http://bit.ly/hJvDSJ via @widowsw @Freshwidow

• Helpful article: When Your Child Asks, Is Santa Real? http://bit.ly/fyOWXn via @psychcentral

Coping with Pet Loss, December 12 - December 18

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Killing healthy or treatable pets is not ‘euthanasia,’ http://bit.ly/ea3HVN

• Great News! Welcome Delta Society to Facebook! http://on.fb.me/ffUuRZ "Better late than never!" RT @DeltaSociety

• How Do You Know the Ashes You Get Back Are Those of Your Pet? http://bit.ly/fFgOl7 by @PawsWhiskersWags

Caregiving and Hospice, December 5 - December 11

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Granting Caregivers A Few Precious Hours, http://goo.gl/fb/0iR4U via @wittich

• Collecting Family Stories, http://tinyurl.com/3y99jr7 by @ShelleyWebbRN

• Elizabeth Edwards made wise choice to go home, http://bit.ly/eFFW2U via @DianaSebzda 

• Understanding Health Care Decision Making, http://bit.ly/fRjAP7 via @SanDiegoHospice 

• How to discuss end-of-life care choices with your physician, http://bit.ly/g1G5vl via @thaddeuspope

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 5 - December 11

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Service this Sunday, Dec. 12, 7 pm local time, http://bit.ly/fTT4in

• Dealing with the Loss of an Online Friendship, http://ow.ly/3n9QB by @shady_wilbury via @LaMuscarella

• Ten Tips for Handling Grief During the Holidays, via @opentohope webinar http://ow.ly/3nd1A RT @LaMuscarella 

• "Huge list of blogs by widowed people," http://bit.ly/eernDg by @Freshwidow 

• Elizabeth Edwards (3): Dying at home, http://bit.ly/dZgauR by @Freshwidow

• Reflections on a Resilient Life: Remembering Elizabeth Edwards, http://nblo.gs/bHciO by @KSBuckley

• Winter, Grief and the Dark Night of the Soul, http://bit.ly/hIEc1V by @BethSPatterson 

• TheCompassionate Friends announces a partnership with theRabbit Hole movie, http://bit.ly/hUbn08 via @Joannefunch

• Elizabeth Edwards Embodied the Hero Archetype, http://bit.ly/efQVjW by @HopefulMJ 

• Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions, http://bit.ly/fKI5fz by @abelkeogh

• NHPCO message of condolence on death of Elizabeth Edwards is online, http://bit.ly/ib0YiG via @NHPCO_news

• Coping with ‘Shutdown Spells’ in Grief, http://bit.ly/evi8HF 

• Wonderful! we LOVE each other: a healing journal for grieving children, http://bit.ly/fZRLih by Julie McLellan-Mariano

• Visit (and like!) Wings Grief Education Ministry on Facebook, http://on.fb.me/ieTyWn

Coping with Pet Loss, December 5 - December 11

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Have you ever talked to an animal communicator? What's your take? http://ow.ly/3ncFT via @VetWisdom

• Losing a beloved pet: 3 H's of Coping with Holiday Grief, http://bit.ly/hmVnxE by Laurel Lagoni, MS

Worldwide Candle Lighting Service, 2010

Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year on December 12, 2010 at 7 p.m., The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died ~ at any age, from any cause. Candles are lit at 7 p.m. in participants' own local time zones, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light that moves from one time zone to another throughout the world.  Hundreds of thousands of persons will join to commemorate and honor deceased children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.  Formal candle lighting events are held in public venues, and informal candle lightings are conducted in private homes, as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but who never will be forgotten.

You're also invited to visit TCF's national Web site on Sunday, December 12 to leave a message in their Remembrance Book. Although messages can only be added during this day, the Remembrance Book will be left open throughout the year to enable visitors to read these touching messages from around the world.  You can join in the Online Support Community during its extended Worldwide Candle Lighting Hours. 

Find a Worldwide Candle Lighting Service in your own community here: 2010 Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting Services, or visit the Compassionate Friends/USA Facebook Page.  For information of any type related to the Worldwide Candle Lighting, write nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org or call 877-969-0010.

Songwriter and ASCAP award winner Paul Alexander wrote the music and lyrics for Light a Candle, a song of remembrance that has been used to enhance thousands of such memorial services.  Listen to the song and find the lyrics here:

Caregiving and Hospice, November 28 - December 4

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Campaign to support military families; free toolkit, http://bit.ly/e24GDk via @EmotionalLife 

• Hospice and Palliative Care are not about death, but about conversations and education, http://bit.ly/fNBZFY via @hospice_mktg 

• Helping Others After Daughter's Death, http://stuf.in/bevk @nytimes via @ElderCareAction 

• Those dying need to know they mattered, http://bit.ly/hKH44m via RT @hospicepharmacy

• Great article on advance care planning featuring @Kathy_Brandt, http://tinyurl.com/39cxuhc via @NHPCO_news 

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 28 - December 4

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• ‘We Never Fought’ and other lies Widows Tell, http://bit.ly/dMcgSj by @crazywidow

• Beautiful remembrance of children who have died, http://bit.ly/e1QzqO via @BrknHrtsBigBend

• Dealing with Grief During the Holidays, http://ht.ly/3jBTm by @griefhealing via @Selfhealingexpr 

• Giving the Gift of Story After a Loss, http://ow.ly/3jzVX RT @StoryForHealing

• How to Help A Child or Teen Cope With The Loss of A Loved One During the Holidays, http://bit.ly/ihXVkl 

• You'll find links to dozens of helpful 'Coping with Holidays' articles here, http://bit.ly/3jkKKh 

• Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays, http://bit.ly/hhTB4U by @abelkeogh 

• Holiday Grief: How To Best Support The Mourning, http://huff.to/gMFtcg via @romans_mama @huffingtonpost 

• Holidays can be horribly quiet for the grief-stricken, http://ow.ly/1agADi via @GriefHelp 

• Supporting grieving children during the holidays, http://bit.ly/dRZgtj via @TAPS4America

• Therapeutic Writing Brings Joy to the World, http://bit.ly/fpNGU4 via @CreateWriteNOW 

• Is This Season About Healing Transitions for You? http://ht.ly/3hTRC via @Selfhealingexpr 

• Trauma to Art: Turning Grief into creative expression, http://bit.ly/dZVxsw 

• Dealing with Grief and Loss: Helpful Do's and Don'ts, http://bit.ly/h3D7nn by @jodiperelman 

• A Gift from Another Father, http://wp.me/pVxlX-4c by @GrievingDads 

• I’m in Shock! But It’s Nothing Personal, http://bit.ly/i7HWWd by @stangoldberg 

Coping with Pet Loss, November 28 - December 4

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Saying goodbye to a cherished animal companion, http://bit.ly/gCFqt2

• Waiting for Death, http://bit.ly/gy3NQb

• Animal Rescuer Devastated As Shelter Disregards Her Wishes, http://bit.ly/esHhYB

• Saying goodbye: Resting sure in your pet's resting place, http://bit.ly/dRteXC

• CSU veterinarians learn bedside manner at Argus Institute http://bit.ly/eqPjGG via @CSUVetHospital @WorldbytheTail

• Family Says Pet Dog Mourns Owner's Death http://bit.ly/dKhBt9 via @DogCare2 @PetDecisions

Animal Rescuer Devastated As Shelter Disregards Her Wishes

Image from FreeFoto.com

[Reviewed and updated March 20, 2021]

A reader writes:  I have been saving sick, feral kittens for over five years.  I expend an enormous amount of time, energy and financial resources to heal them before adopting them out.  I used to find them homes by running an ad in our local papers, but on the advice of my vet, began utilizing Animal Humane Shelters so they could be spayed/neutured and vaccinated.  I recently surrendered four beautiful, young cats to one of these facilities.  They were instructed that under no circumstance were they to be euthanized; instead, I was to be contacted and offered the opportunity to reclaim/adopt them.  They disregarded my request and last week, all four kittens were put to sleep.  I am beside myself with grief and guilt.  I do not/cannot understand why I am hurting so bad.  My intention was to find them a home.  Should I have just kept them?  Should I not save anymore of these kittens, as the outcome will be the same?  I cannot cope with this loss.  My younger two children believe they were adopted, so I cannot show any sign of grief in their presence, but when they are absent, I cry; I wail to the point I cannot breathe.  Please, help me to understand, if you can, why this pain is so far- reaching and whatever words of comfort will be much appreciated.

Caregiving and Hospice, November 21 - November 27

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• At Thanksgiving, the hardest conversation, http://bit.ly/i72cOS via @EngageWithGrace @doclake

• NHPCO urges public to learn about advance care planning and discuss wishes, http://bit.ly/gqGZk7 

• Ten Ways to Thank a Caregiver, http://bit.ly/ThnxCrgvr via @Caring 

• Supporting a Friend's Choices in Hospice, Palliative Care and Death, http://ow.ly/3eyE3 via @tmlfox 

• Outstanding analysis: Chat on PBS’s Frontline 'Facing Death' Special, http://bit.ly/hJxDiK 

• End-of-Life Care is Often Futile, Costly, http://bit.ly/aSlHBO 

 

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 21 - November 27

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Fresh Widow: To Engage... or Not? http://bit.ly/ehu7sy

• Coping With Grief and The Holidays, http://ow.ly/1a9lEy by @GriefHelp via @soaringspirits @Joannefunch

• Alone for Thanksgiving, Alone for Christmas | World of Psychology, http://bit.ly/eee1vu

• Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering, http://bit.ly/hO4In3

• STUG (Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief): When current loss triggers past losses | Health Journeys, http://bit.ly/gFbF3i 

• Reading recommended for and by the bereaved, http://bit.ly/dP3djB via @AddThis @GriefHealing @WorldbytheTail 

• Seductiveness of the Stages Model of Grief | This Emotional Life, http://to.pbs.org/alvNaK

Coping with Pet Loss, November 21 - November 27

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Loving final goodbye letter from veterinarian to her dog, http://bit.ly/aBJh4W via @georgiaslegacy

• Re: "Afghan stray: What is it that makes us grieve although they aren't ours? http://ow.ly/3d7JI @PetDecisions," see http://bit.ly/djz9rp 

Engage With Grace, 2010

Things we are grateful for this year

For three years running now, many of us bloggers have participated in what we’ve called a “blog rally” to promote Engage With Grace – a movement aimed at making sure all of us understand, communicate, and have honored our end-of-life wishes. 

The rally is timed to coincide with a weekend when most of us are with the very people with whom we should be having these unbelievably important conversations – our closest friends and family.

At the heart of Engage With Grace are five questions designed to get the conversation about end-of-life started. We’ve included them at the end of this post.  They’re not easy questions, but they are important – and believe it or not, most people find they actually enjoy discussing their answers with loved ones.  The key is having the conversation before it’s too late. 

This past year has done so much to support our mission to get more and more people talking about their end-of-life wishes. We’ve heard stories with happy endings ~ and stories with endings that could’ve (and should’ve) been better. We’ve stared down political opposition.  We’ve supported each other’s efforts.  And we’ve helped make this a topic of national importance.

So in the spirit of the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend, we’d like to highlight some things for which we’re grateful. 

Thank you to Atul Gawande for writing such a fiercely intelligent and compelling piece, Letting Go: What Should Medicine Do When It Can't Save Your Life – it is a work of art, and a must read. 

 

Thank you to whomever perpetuated the myth of “death panels” for putting a fine point on all the things we don’t stand for, and in the process,  shining a light on the right we all have to live our lives with intent – right through to the end. 

Thank you to TEDMED for letting us share our story and our vision.

 

And of course, thank you to everyone who has taken this topic so seriously, and to all who have  done so much to spread the word, including sharing The One Slide.

(To learn more please go to www.engagewithgrace.org. This post was written by Alexandra Drane and the Engage With Grace team. )