Unresolved Guilt Following Accidental Pet Loss

Apologies aren't meant to change the past; they are meant to change the future.  ~ Kevin Hancock

A reader writes: I have been doing some research on a grief-related topic over the past few days, and stumbled across some of your blog posts, and find them rather encouraging and welcoming.

Around ten years ago, I inadvertently killed a cat while driving home from a class on a dark road. I later killed a deer that ran directly in front of my car. I have been unable to overcome the guilt in all that time, as I feel that I need to apologize to the cat's owner in order to properly move on (I've never found them). If I never find the owner, to whom should I directly apologize?

Silent Grief: Pregnancy, Stillbirth and Infant Loss

Our duty is to remember them so their place in our lives is one of beauty, a beauty beyond this world. Our duty is to love them boldly, wildly, with every part of our being, and to carry their spirit into the world. ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

A reader writes: It’s been two weeks since my baby died. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. She had been extremely active ever since I first started feeling her move, but at around 22 or 23 weeks there were days when she wouldn't move at all. At 26 weeks, when I hadn't felt any movement for two days straight, my doctor ordered a full ultrasound, which showed no movement at all, although there was a heartbeat.

When A Grieving Friend Refuses Offers of Support

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood.  ~ Seneca

A reader writes: I am hoping you can advise me what to do. I have a very dear and close friend whose brother died of suicide a month ago. This was his only sibling. He had to go identify the body and had to come home to a hysterical wife and barely functioning parents. As far as I know he has cried very little if at all. He and I haven't been able to discuss anything at all. My husband and I did everything we could to help the family with things. The problem is now though he will not call anymore and he has pulled away emotionally. He is saying things to me that I would say are hurtful. I have been trying to keep in touch with him, but now he says we are not compatible. I really want to help him through this very tough time. Do I step back and give him space or what do I do??? I am hoping you can give me some guidance. Thank you.

When Grief Threatens A Love Relationship

A reader writes: My fiancée lost her 20 year old daughter 5 months ago from complications following a double lung transplant the year before due to cystic fibrosis. She went off without me after her daughter passed to grieve and deal with family as they have been through all of this for years. It was tough with her being gone for the month or so as I wanted to help comfort her. She said she would need me here at home when she got done to be there for her. Since that time she's had many bad days grieving over her daughter. She spends a lot of time with my 6-year-old son, helping get him to school or you name it. She is with him 24x7 at times and she loves him a lot.

Grief Healing Discussion Groups: Time to Say Goodbye

Announcing the closing of our Grief Healing Discussion Groups, effective January 1, 2025

To all those who visit our Grief Healing Discussion Groups sister site: 

Since May of 2003, our Grief Healing Discussion Groups site has been open to everyone, members and visitors alike ~ advertisement-free and at no cost, 24 hours a day, seven days a week ~ offering reliable information, comfort and support to the bereaved and those who care for them. For 21 years we've been there with one another, day after day, month after month, year after year ~ finding our way together through the loss of someone dearly loved, whether that is a person or a cherished animal companion. Visitors have been welcome to browse, and nearly 12,000 registered members have been free to use all the features of the site.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 29 - October 5, 2024

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month  

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

In these turbulent times, families have suffered devastating losses of loved ones, from the anguish of COVID-related deaths to gun violence, drug overdose, suicide, environmental disasters, and war. More attention is urgently needed in marriage and family therapy training and practice to help the bereaved heal and forge pathways to live and love fully beyond loss. Loss, Grief, and Resilience « Psychology Today

Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 22 - September 28, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Grief therapists will tell you that there are no words to take the pain away from someone who is suffering, but there are things that well-meaning people say that can make grief worse. I’ve adapted some of these from the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, and I’ve also lived it. Navigating the universal yet personal pain of grief « SBJ

Advocacy can lead to feelings of empowerment and connection to others. Finding purpose and helping others naturally helps oneself. Advocacy can be a double-edged sword: People have different reactions to “going public” with a family story. Does Turning Pain Into Purpose Aid in Healing From Grief? « Psychology Today

Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. The Burden of Guilt in Grief  « Grief Healing

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September8 - September 21, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

In my grief, I’ve learned to avoid resenting others’ inability to understand my loss and focus on sharing the overwhelming goodness of my brother’s character with those not lucky enough to have known him. I love to talk about him and am thankful for friends who give me the opportunity to do so. As I readjusted to campus life in the weeks following Matthew’s death, I realized I couldn’t compartmentalize my grief. There’s never any good time to process loss, and the task is never completed. Being thrust back into mundanity, however difficult, taught me I had to find ways to incorporate the memory of Matthew into each day — with tears or with smiles, with a story about him or a call to my family. I just have to process it everyday. Navigating Grief on the College Campus « The Loyola Phoenix