In Grief: Worried About My Daughter

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Teen Grief: Worried About My Daughter

A reader writes: My daughter is 16. Her brother was 17 when he was killed three months ago. As we live where there is no other family she had to be the second one to identify his body. She won't talk. It's like he never existed. I have tried getting her to counseling but she isn't interested. The counselor told me to just be here for her when she needs me and that she is taking her cues from me. But I am really worried that if she bottles this up it will compound later on. I'm not so sure I am right. Can you shed some light please?

My response: I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your son. I certainly can understand your concern for your daughter at this sad and difficult time, and I’d like to offer some thoughts for you to consider.

First, it’s important to recognize that you and your daughter are grieving separate losses – you have lost your son, and she has lost her brother – and each of you will grieve your own personal loss in your own unique way. And just because your daughter is not talking with you about her brother’s death does not mean that she is not grieving. (For a more thorough discussion of this, see my article, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences.)

As I’m sure you know, by nature adolescents can be moody and non-communicative. At this stage in your daughter’s development (as a teenager learning to separate from authority figures and find her own identity), it would be very normal for her to feel somewhat alienated from adults. That's why most teens normally turn to their peers rather than their parents when they feel a need for support. At the same time, they don't like to stand out and to feel different from their friends – they want to belong. The trouble is that, unless one or more of your daughter’s friends has experienced the death of a loved one too, it's unlikely that they can fully understand what she is feeling and experiencing as she mourns the death of her brother. That's why grieving teens do best when they're helped to find peers who've also experienced a death. They're often very relieved to discover they're not the only ones who've had someone close to them die . . .

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